Paying attention to the signs in your life...

Not pregnant. Yet another reason to not like “that time of the month.” But God’s will be done, not mine. He sees all things, past, present, and future and He knows what is best for me and you.

The signs in my life are getting pretty loud that this is the time. Your daddy’s cousin Lisa came to visit us this weekend and brought her two kids. Little Katy is only a few months old. She is such a content little baby – never crying unless she’s hungry or really, really tired. I hope you will be that way. I think it would break my heart if you were upset a lot and I was never really sure why. Maybe that’s just the nervous mommy in me speaking. I want everything to be perfect for you. Sometimes your daddy acts really scared about the whole concept and other times he’s just so at ease. This weekend he played with little Katy as if he was a natural at the whole thing. Of course, one of the signs that this is ally going to be fine is how well he gets along with children and children with him. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a toddler or baby who wasn’t drawn to him, or that he couldn’t make smile or laugh. I understand that – he has that effect on me too.

I really enjoyed being with Samuel and Katy (Lisa’s kids). Sam is really rambunctious, but his imagination and his way of expressing himself are so amazing. Katy was so content no matter who was holding her, so I held her for awhile. What a feeling to cradle a God-given miracle in my arms…to feel her breathing, to see her little movements and facial expressions. I want to experience that for myself in you, my child-unborn.

Another sign I’m paying attention to is how much our parents are ready to be grandparents. I guess its most obvious with your daddy’s mom and dad. They both are so drawn to babies. If there’s one to be held, then she is usually holding it. My mom is little less obvious, but the way she makes so much over my cousin’s children, I know she will be an awesome grandma too. And my dad, well, I’ve never had any doubt he would make the perfect granddaddy. That leads me to another sign: as much as I’d like to ignore it, my parents and my parents-in-law are getting older. I want you to know the joy of having two sets of grandparents to love you, and teach you things, and spoil you! I only had my grandma and granddaddy, and now I just have grandma. I want her to know you too…and I want you to get to meet your daddy’s grandparents too.

So all the signs point to the same conclusion…its time.

Turn Back the Clock

In the fall; what hour of my life would you most like to relive as you turn the clock backward ?

It's almost time to turn back the clocks for daylight savings time. It makes me reflect on the idea of what hour of my life I would most like to relive if I could turn back time as easily as I turn back the clock.

There are several hours that come up in my memory as favorites. Times spent with friends and family...special moments of accomplishment...special moments in my walk with the Lord where I received particular blessings, or was able to help others to receive from the Lord...a moment of discovery when I came to realize I was important to someone...

But the most wonderful hour of my life was the hour I spent with your daddy the day he asked me to marry him. It was my birthday. I had come to his house to spend some time with him before we went out to eat with my family. He asked me to come into the living room and sit with him on the couch. I figured he was going to give me my birthday presents so I didn't think anything of it. He pulls out a letter I had written him a long time ago. In the letter, there was a sentence that said, "I hope someday I can be Mrs. ________. You can fill in the blank." He pulls out a pen and proceeds to fill in the blank. Before I could even realize what was happening, he was down on one knee, with a ring box in his hand, asking me to be Mrs. Bryan. I was so happy I cried. He did too! It really was a dream come true for me.

I pray right now that God will prepare the person that will become your future spouse -- that they will be the man or woman of God you need them to be, and that they would become that person of love, faith, and integrity that you deserve.

Frightening Old Ideas

John Cage once said, "I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones." There are a lot of old ideas that frighten me in their tenacity to cling to life.

Racism frightens me. That people can be stereotyped by the amount of melanin in their skin, irregardless of their background, upbringing, education, or personality is simply scary. Don't ever allow yourself to slip into that kind of ignorance of thought.

Inflexible traditionalism frightens me. God is constantly doing a new thing...He is able to meet the needs and culture of every generation. I recently heard someone who I considered a strong Christian parent say of a Christian rap song we were playing at a youth event, "I don't hear any God in that, and I don't believe God is pleased with it." It shocked me. As long as the Gospel is not diluted or altered, it should not matter the means by which it is transmitted. Style of music, style of service, or who is the vessel delivering it are all irrelevant to God. Always be open to the moving of God's Spirit, no matter how old or how new the method He employs.

There's No Place Like Home

Living in Sanford after moving away for several years has been an eye-opening experience, particularly in the area of how much comfort I derive from being home. When I married your Daddy, I realized then (though perhaps not as fully as I understand now) that 'home' would be more a state of mind than a place. I really never expected to live in Sanford again once I was married and we had moved away. My hometown was a constant fixed point - someplace I could always return to, a place to spend holidays and visit family, but not someplace I would actually live.

I really balked when your Daddy said he wanted to take the position at the Sanford Church of God. There were too many memories of past hypocrisies and hurt feelings, unaltered by any knowledge of present realities. I also feared living so close to my family. I had come to enjoy a large measure of independence from them, and I didn't want to get trapped into the cycle of going to my Grandma's house everyday after work like all of my family does. It wasn't because I didn't love my Grandmother, but rather, because I loved my freedom, I didn't want to feel guilt for not being as intimately involved with everyone's' lives as everyone else seemed to be.

When we first came to Sanford and moved right there onto "Hall Hill," it seemed at first as if all my fears had come true. With time, I came to realize that my family did to some degree respect my wayward spirit, even if they didn't truly understand it. I even came to recognize that a few hours spend around the kitchen table chatting with my relatives wouldn't reduce me back to the status of a child again. I had made my way in the world, and they actually respected that.

Now as I drive around these familiar streets, and teach in the same high school where I graduated, there is a sense of satisfaction -- like sliding into a well-worn, comfortable pair of shoes. Running across people I went to high school with doesn't irritate me anymore...I actually look forward to seeing how much people have changed, and then reflecting on how much I have changed too. And the Sanford Church of God still has its share of hypocrisy...just like every church in the world does, but the new faces and friends I have met and made there make it more comfortable of a place than I once thought possible.

My little one, I don't know if you will ever have a "home town" that you will have these feelings for. Maybe for you home will always be a state of mind more than a geographic location. But as long as I am living, home for you can always be wherever I am.

The Still Point

T.S. Eliot speaks of "... the still point of the turning world..." As I considered what this means for my own life, I realized very quickly that the still point in my turning world is your daddy, my love, David Bryan.

There are so many inconsistencies in my life -- work can be a roller coaster, and I never know from one day to the next what my day will be like, how my students will behave, or if I'll even accomplish anything. Church is sometimes a refuge, and sometimes it is the source of all my stress. Friendships are sometimes uplifting and inspiring, and other times they leave me lonely. Even my relationship with God has ups and downs -- not because He is inconsistent, but because I am.

When I am with David everything feels safe. I know him, I know how he reacts, how he feels, what moves him, and he knows me...better than I know myself sometimes. Even if we are angry at each other over some triviality or another, I feel secure knowing he is there, and that this momentary quarrel cannot tear us apart. When I'm down, he cheers me up with his sweet gestures or silly ways. When I'm happy, he's happy with me. He wants to be with me...all the time! Even when my independent streak gets the better of me and I want to venture out and do things on my own, he still wants to be with me, even then. Even when I'm in pain and not the nicest person to be around, he still wants to be with me. I guess there's still enough of the shy, self-conscious little girl left in me to think that's an amazing concept.

I hope you grow up to be like your daddy and be the "still point" in someone else's life. I also hope you find that person for yourself.

Why I teach...

Let me tell you why I became a teacher.

Like all kids I toyed with all sorts of ideas of 'what I should be when I grow up'. You will too, I'm sure. I thought about being a veterinarian, because I've always loved animals. I thought about being a writer since I've always loved to read and to write. It wasn't until I got to junior high school that my career choice was really determined. It was in my 8th grade band class that I met a woman who would become one of the most influential in my life - Ms. Kathy Weir. She was our new band director, after Mr. Wilkins moved over to the high school. He too would become a mentor and role model for me, but it was Ms. Weir who showed me the power of being a teacher.

As a small young girl, playing the trombone was a bit more difficult than it was for others. I sat seventh chair in band and didn't really expect to get much better. But Ms. Weir immediately took an interest in me, and began challenging me to be better. She pushed me to play with confidence, and to expect great things of myself. She also showed me how to become a stronger, more confident young woman. I became more outgoing that school year. I began to make more friends, and develop the personality that would characterize who I am today.

Even at such a young age, I realized what an amazing transformation one person had in my life. I wanted to be that kind of catalyst in the life of someone else. And so I began a track to become a teacher. It wouldn't be the most profitable career, as my father continues to remind me, nor would it always be the easiest, but it has been the most rewarding, and every now and then I get the opportunity to be a life-changer for one of my students too.

So when you choose your career someday, do what will make a difference. Material wealth is temporary - being a life-changer is immortality.

Day of the Week

There is a very old poem that talks about a child's personality based on the day of the week they are born. It goes like this:


Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go,
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child works hard for a living,
But the child that's born on the Sabbath day,
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.


I wonder what day you will be born on. I was a "Tuesday child." As a matter of fact today is my birthday! I wish I could have found out that I was pregnant today...that would have been an awesome birthday present. But I'm not. So we'll start trying for October. That actually would be best because then you would be born after school ends. I find myself getting more excited. I hope its soon.

Saying no...

I read an article in Newsweek today which was talking about how hard it is for my generation of parents to say "no" to our children. I realize to some degree I'm a product of a materialistic society that seldom says "no" to anything. It is difficult sometimes to find the balance between our 'have-everything' society and the important lessons of life that only waiting, saving, and working hard can teach us. I want you to grow up with a strong work ethic so you can be self-reliant and not make some of the mistakes of materialism that I have made. I want you to learn the values of industriousness, delayed gratification, honesty, and compassion.

What does that mean for you? Sometimes I will have to tell you "no." I will be you parent first, before I am your friend. I will make sure you are learning resourcefulness and responsibility before I make sure you are having fun. I want to help you wade through the waves of marketing that will be aimed directly at you by the media so you don't become some sort of 'wanting machine' - never satisfied with the things you are given, always wanting something more.

I don't want you to grow up with a distorted sense of entitlement because you have been given too much, too soon, with too little required to get it. Life is full of disappointments and I know you have to learn to adapt and deal with disappointment before you reach adulthood; it will be too late to learn it then. I realize a lot of my own self-centeredness and self-absorption is a direct product of this lack of exposure to disappointment. I know I will love you so much that I will have every good intention in wanting to give you the best of everything. It will hurt me anytime you feel lack. But the end result must be considered too.

So for all the times I say "no" and make you cry or pout....For all the times I become the "meanest mother in the world" and don't give you everything your friends have - forgive me and know I want you to become a better person than I am today.

What's in a name?

Naming you...that was the discussion this weekend. For some reason your Daddy and I talked about girl names the entire time, I guess because we both agree on 'Judah David' if you are a boy. That means "Praise for the Beloved" which is so fitting - I know I will have so much praise for my Beloved Savior when you are born.

As for girl names, we've toyed around quite a few possibilites.
Petra Elizabeth........Aurora Sky.......Emily Grace........Jennifer Elizabeth........
My favorite is Emily Grace, but your Daddy doesn't like that very much. His favorite is Jennifer Elizabeth, but I'm not fond of that one. We both like Petra and we both like Sky. I wonder if our indecision is a reflection of what gender you will be!

So what's in a name?

I know what its like to have everyone mispronounce your name constantly. It's more challenging than most people realize when your first name is Dacia but it is pronounced Day-sha. Especially during the school years; my teachers tried hard but never could get it quite right on the first day of school. And it seems the more unusual the name, the easier it is for school bullies to turn it into some form of teasing torture that leaves you in tears on the playground. So I am determined not to name you something that sounds nothing like it is spelled.

At the same time, I appreciate the pride that comes in having an unusal name. With maturity I have come to appreciate my unique name, accept the complements and surprise that accompany it graciously, and realize that it is an accurate representation of my own unique nature. I don't want you to blend into a sea of Amy's, Jennifer's, Joshua's, or Brandon's. You will be one of a kind, and I want your name to reflect that. No matter what we decide to name you, you can be assured it was a tough decision and one made with much prayer, love, and thoughtful consideration.

The Gift of Time

There is not more precious gift for you to give to another than the gift of your time. It is the only gift you can never get back. We live in a world today that is shaped around the idea of saving every moment: time-saving appliances, drive-through everything, online banking/shopping/dating/tax paying, email, microwaves, pay-per-view, ATM's, and so much more. I can only imagine what the speed of life will be when you are my age! But for what purpose exactly are we saving all this time? To work more? To earn another dollar to spend on another time-saving device?

I say time is sacred, and what you spend your time doing reflects on what is sacred to you. Your time with God must be your first priority. It has to be some sort of galactic joke that it is so easy for the human race to reschedule spending time with the God of the universe, but so hard to reschedule a dentist appointment. Everything, and I do mean everything, will try to prevent you from giving your Creator the quality time He deserves. But He gave you life, breath, salvation, and more...time is the least you can give Him.

Don't neglect to spend time with your family either. That may seem self-serving coming from me, but its advice I have to remind myself to take. Friends, careers, hobbies all have their purpose, and they are necessary, but family is a constant you can rely upon when little else is reliable. My mother always told me, "Never forget your family. Your family will be there for you when everyone else leaves you." Though I didn't take those words very seriously at first, I have found this to be increasingly true as I grow older. Mom's tend to become more intelligent in our eyes as we mature. :-)

I've already told you the value of friendship, and for some reason - perhaps it is because we are getting ever closer to the day of HIS return - it has been one of the greatest casualties of our time-saving society. Friendship is really centered around giving the gift of time to another individual without any obligation to do so; you simply want to.

Finally take time for yourself. Do the things you want to do, not just the things you need to do. Find hobbies you enjoy, things that challenge you yet bring you happiness at the same time. You know I love to scrapbook (I'm assuming I'll never give up this hobby of mine...) and I wondered aloud to a friend if I was being obsessive. He replied, "I think it is dedicated, not obsessive!!... ...Obsessive would mean that I continually sacrifice something greatly important for something else important, an addiction of sorts. Being Obsessive means life is not in balance and only self satisfying, only focused on a certain few things swaying decisions in life against better judgment. Dedication on the other hand, is similar, but allows for rational decision making and allows for a balance of time for all things important in the life God's given us." He is very wise.

Keep a balance of time, my beloved child and you will have a bountiful and fruitful life.

Friendship

Pro 18:24 in the Message says, "Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family." I resolved long ago that I would be that kind of friend to my friends, which is the kind of friend that I would want them to be to me, and I would do this whether it was ever reciprocated or not - a version of the 'Golden Rule,' if you will. Sometimes this has wonderful results, sometimes it leaves me a little hollow. But I don't regret the decision.

Someone once said, "Friendship doesn't mean perfection, I must remember, it means being human with another human. It's okay not to like certain aspects of people and still love them for being your friend." I think its especially easy when you are young to think the friendships you pour yourself into will last forever and that everyone will always care as much for you as you do for them. For friendship to last for many years you have to accept several qualifiers: first, people have lives, responsibilites, interests, and relationships that go beyond and often superceed friendship. If you are too jealous, too controlling, too demanding, or too easily hurt, you will find your friendships last no longer than the situation that created them.

Secondly, distance may make the heart grow fonder, but it does not make the friendship grow stronger. All the pledges made the last day of high school, or the last year of college, that distance, time, or circumstance will never keep you and your friends apart - though sincere at the time - are very seldom kept. Don't blame them, and don't blame yourself; sometimes our life-paths only cross once. Cherish and hold fast to the memories, but don't mourn the loss too long. It might keep you from seeing the new friendships meant to be made that are just around the corner.

Finally, allow people to be themselves as much as you want them to accept you as you are. Some friends aren't going to be as companionable as others. They might not want to spend every free moment with you, not because of you, but because of who they are. Some friends might seem to smother you, not because of what you need, but because of what they need. To "be human with another human" requires many compromises, much patience, self-sacrifices, but it brings GREAT JOY.

Joy

I pray that you will be joyful everyday of your life. Now before you think I am praying for an unlikely result, you must remember that joy and happiness are not the same thing. Joy is a state of being, it is a consequence of who you are in Christ, not a reflection of your circumstances. Joy is what brings praise to your lips instead of a curse; it gives you that last little bit of motivation to get out of the bed every morning, even if you know the day ahead of you will be difficult or tiring. Joy allows you to see the miracle in the dandelion, and wonder in a soap bubble. It is what makes you dance spontaneously, or smile for no reason at all.

Joy is walking through hell hand in hand with God.

Joy is leaping off faith's highest cliff knowing Christ will catch you at the bottom or give you wings to soar to the top.

Joy is the epitome of Jesus' character. Don't ever picture your Savior as a somber, solemn, distant God...when He laughs, it is deep and full and loud; when He smiles, He beams from ear to ear. Jesus had eternal joy -- joy that the tears He wept, and the blood He shed would not be in vain, but would bring us home to be with Him forever.

Joy is not happiness. I do not wish you happiness every day. Without the tears, the painful moments, the times when our hearts are broken, the times when we are angered or indignant, we cannot grow. Without those unhappy times, we cannot experience the times of hope, excitement, fulfillment, peace, and camaraderie that make life wonderful.

So I wish you joy.

Stand firm...

Stand firm. That is the simplest advice yet the greatest challenge. There are so many areas in which you must stand firm. You must stand firm in your faith and your convictions -- the rest of the world has none, and will try to strip you of yours in the name of 'tolerance'. You must also stand firm in who you are; the core of your spirit, the essence of you, is unique and magical. Do not let the masses shape you into the image of conformity when you were created in the image of God.

Stand firm in your friendships. Friends may forsake you, may hurt you, may not be there for you when you need them most; never let any of your friends say these things of you. Stand firm in your decisions. Every decision has consequences, and often there are more hidden negatives than you first imagine, but you can not waffle just because things get difficult -- stand firm.

Finally, stand firm in your love. The people you love will not always be lovable, and neither will you. Love does not mean you will always agree on everything, or things will always go the way you want. However, it does mean being steadfast, faithful, unwavering, supportive, and humble. If you grow up to be like me, you'll always struggle with squashing the pride and the feelings that you're always supposed to be right. For love's sake you'll have to confront that part of yourself. You can do it. I believe in you...stand firm.

Beginnings...

The decision was made just a few days ago. We are going to have a baby. It seemed like your Daddy and I would never come to the place that we even wanted children. Don't take me wrong...we loved youth. We both work with youth as a part of our careers, and children's church was one of the things your Daddy has always loved to do. Our lives were so hectic, with so little time even for ourselves, let alone for another life...another human being...we just couldn't see it happening. There were many days when the subject would come up and we would just come to the conclusion that it could never happen. And for the most part, we were satisfied with that answer.

So what made us change our minds? Many different factors. Watching the joy on the faces of our friends as they experienced parenthood for the first time...feeling the push to continue our family line...experiencing the loneliness of being childless when all our peers were new parents...
But mostly it was the understanding that this life would be the culmination of the love your Daddy and I have for each other. You would be a piece of both of us -- a miracle crafted by God as an expression of His love for us and our love for each other.

So here we are. I take a deep breath and try to push down the nervousness that rises up in me at the thought of such tremendous responsibility. One voice in my head says, "Don't worry. You'll be fine. You'll be a great mom." Another voice says, "Are you crazy? You can't even keep your house clean now!" But the choice is made. And now we wait for God's timing for me to get pregnant.

But until then....and afterward....I want to write to you. To tell you who I am and what I'm thinking. Perhaps someday you'll read it and love me all the more for the knowing. And perhaps someday you'll be able to make a big decision knowing if love is the reason behind it, everything will be okay.