Broken Hearted

So it finally happened. I got a new job. I am the Granville County Schools transition teacher for Central Children's Home. It's part time - 8:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m., but that still means you are now going to daycare. You are in the 'Older Threes' class at Greater Beginnings Childcare Center. Your teacher is named Ms. Tiwanda and she is a really great lady - she definitely has a heart for your age group. You seem to have a good group of kids in your class; your teacher says this group is really a lot mellower than the group she had last year.

You and I have been working our way into this for a little while. The whole month of September we went to your class a few hours at a time together so you could get used to the kids and your teacher and the schedule they keep (I told the school system I couldn't start working until the end of the month for this very reason). You seemed to gradually get accustomed to things, but that very first day that I had to leave you was a heartbreaker.

You seemed to sense that something was up and acted more clingy than usual, so there was no sneaking away from you. When I tried to leave, you started screaming and crying and wrapped your arms and legs around my leg begging me not to go. I was devestated...how was I supposed to let you go? Feeling like the worst mother who had ever lived, I pried you off of my leg and handed you to Tiwana. As I turned away and started walking down the hall, one of the workers looked at me and my expression of anguish and said sympathetically, "She's gonna be okay, Mama." That was the last thing I needed to hear. The dam broke and I sobbed...I sat down in Michelle's office and sobbed and sobbed. They tried their best to comfort me, and told me that within minutes you were fine and playing with blocks, but it didn't help me. I cried all the way to the school, only pulling it together at the last minute so my supervisor didn't think I was crazy.

Since then you've done really well. You seem to enjoy being around other kids, especially now that your friend Madision is in your class. You still have a few moments that you seem reluctant to go, and I still harbor some latent feelings of guilt, but I think it's been a good experience so far. A lot of the church people have observed you have started really coming out of your shell and I think a lot of that can be attributed to being at Great Beginnings.

Let's just pray God can heal your mommy's broken heart.

A Different Experience

I found out from a friend last night that the state has changed the rules this year concerning the cutoff date for children starting school. For many years the date was in fact your birthday - October 15. This year, they changed the date to August 25. So just because of this change, you won't be able to start pre-K this year. Not only that, but when you start kindergarten you will be nearly six years old.

What's the big deal? Basically, I think you are ready now. I started kindergarten when I was 4 (back in the days before there was a such thing as pre-K) and under the current rules, I wouldn't have been able to do so. I guess I had just always assumed you would follow in my footsteps in this respect. I graduated at 17; you will be nearly 19. I was one of the youngest kids in my classes, you'll be one of the oldest.

How will this affect you? I'm really not sure. Will elementary school be a little easier because you will be more emotionally mature? Will you get bored because you are intellectually ahead of some other kids? When you become a teen, will the comparative immaturity of guys in your grade lead you to wait on dating until college (I can always hope!) or will you want to date a senior when you're a sophomore? (YIKES)

I don't know. I can only pray that the differences between your school experience and mine are only positive ones. Mommy probably is just worrying about something you'll never give a second thought about, and really...that will be just fine.

Choices

Here we are...the summer is pretty much over and it's time to make some hard decisions.

You will turn four in October and will be old enough to go to preschool. At one time this face was a no brainer for me. I would go back to teaching, you would go to preschool, and we would start the 'school years' chapter of our lives together with a few tears, but relatively little angst.

Now....I'm not so sure.

This move has been a difficult one for you. I knew it would be, but I don't know that I really understood how you would respond. That coupled with the fact that we've been gone so much this summer, well, it's lead to you being extremely clingy to me. You don't want me out of your sight for a moment. No one else will satisfy you. You even choose me over Daddy or (gasp) Grammy and Grandma. And I can forget you going to your little classes on Sunday morning or Sunday night. You only go to Sunday School (a.k.a. "Scamper Class") and Rainbows on Wednesday nights very reluctantly. I can't imagine you going to preschool for hours everyday without me.

It saddens me to think how independent you were when we were at Higher Ground, and now you are so shy and reluctant to trust anyone. I guess this is a stage you'll grow past, and probably with time we'll barely remember you being this way. But right now, it's our whole world and I can't help but feel a bit guilt ridden. You can't imagine how hard it is to walk away from you and leave you in a class when you give me those 'don't-leave-me-mommy' looks as I turn to go. You'll probably never know how many times I've cried over it. If there's anything I regret about moving it's this change in your nature.

That's not to say it isn't frustrating for me too. There are a lot of responsibilities in our ministry at South Henderson that are very difficult to fulfill with a needy, emotional, three-year-old wrapped around my leg. Sometimes I get impatient with you and let my frustration show too much. Thank goodness you are so forgiving. I'll keep working on it though, remembering that it will just take time for you to come to know and love our new friends like I already do. I also try to remind myself that there will come a day that I would give anything for you to want to spend time with me....for you to be able to crawl up in my lap and fall asleep again. Sometimes we get stuck in the "now" and forget how temporary the "now" really is. Ecclesiastes calls it "chasing the wind" and I think that's a very accurate description.

So what do I do? Do I look for a job and go ahead making plans for you to become a preschooler? Do I stay home with you one more year, savoring this intimate time together that will never come again? I'm not sure. My heart is torn. More prayer and more soul searching will have to happen before I know just what to do. But above all I have to trust the ONE who gave you to me is able to keep you.

I love you, my little clingy girl.....

Too Much Time Away

My beautiful daughter....I miss you so. This summer, I have been away from you more than I have since you have been born. Two weeks of youth camp (not consecutively, thankfully), a week of mission trip, and now this weekend I am at Youth Quest. I struggle with regret that I am missing some of that amazing growing up that you're constantly doing right before my eyes. But I know the time you are getting to spend with your Grammy, Grandma, and Grandaddies is priceless. As much as I miss you, I know you are gaining so much more than just a couple of weeks of spoiling.

I spent nearly every afternoon and most of the summer with my cousins at my Grandma's (Mema) house. The close relationship I gained with all of my family is something that I could give nothing for...it shaped the person I became, my values, my humor, my goals, and my character. I don't want you to miss out on those life lessons just because we are in the ministry and probably won't ever live in the same town with them. Family should not be a victim of the pastorate.

Next year...you are DEFINITELY coming with us everywhere we go. You'll be a little older, and probably a lot more comfortable with the people at South Henderson PH. I know the transition the past several months has probably been harder for you because, not only have we left the only church and church family you have ever known, but we haven't been home very much at SHPHC for you to really get to know everyone. I want you to be a part of our ministry, not excluded from it. I want you to grow up loving every minute of serving the Lord and all the amazing, funny, talented and loving people who are a part of that service. Sooo...fingers crossed, next year, four-year-old in tow, will be a summer to remember!!

Christmas Time is Here

I can't believe another Christmas has come and gone so fast. After weeks and weeks of shopping, deocrating, wrapping, parties, cantata practice out the wazzu, etc... it came and went in a flurry of tearing paper, flashing camera bulbs, and thank yous. It happens every year, yet some how it always takes me by surprise. Shouldn't the space-time-continuum somehow slow down just a bit that we might savor it all just a tiny bit longer?

Firstly, I think you are beginning to get the whole 'Santa Claus' concept for the first time this year. Now that's not to say you're ready to sit in his lap or anything (you ran in hysterical screaming terror from the one at the mall after waiting in line in excitement to meet him - ah well...you're fickle). But you did talk about writing lists to him and enjoyed watching the claymation Christmas specials about Rudolph and Santa Claus. The line we all got the biggest kick out of was when you were standing there, hands on your hips, Christmas morning serveying all of your loot and you proclaimed, "Boy...he sure is nice." Yes he is.

You were spoiled beyond measure this year. You got at least six baby dolls (one as big as you), a doll playset (including a doll playpen, swing, and stroller), a giant three story dollhouse, a my little pony carnival with a working ferris wheel, the much requested cupcake machine (which Grammy and I both agree is highly overrated), and variously little dolls, animals, candies and junk that you loved. I think the best present has been a Fisher Price Digital Camera made with toddlers in mind. It's practically indestructable and it takes real pictures. You figured it out fairly quickly and have run around taking pictures of everything and everybody. I think I'll have to make a little scrapbook of your photography. You really don't do bad for a three year old.

We're all really enjoying spending time with family....eating way too much tasty food....and just relaxing after being so stressed out and busy for weeks.

I really love Christmas.

Our Thanksgiving Weekend

We all had an especially good Thanksgiving this year. We headed down to Sanford on Wednesday morning after Daddy visited one of our church ladies who had surgery that morning. Traffic was really bad, especially through Raleigh. We were very thankful to get home, and Daddy and I both crashed at Grandma and Grandaddy's house - especially Daddy who had only gotten about three hours sleep. You were so excited about knocking on their door when we arrived - such a grown up thing to do! You played and played with Grandma while Daddy snoozed on the couch and then we went and ate Japanese food that evening for supper (you love the salad, the rice, and the little peas and carrots in the rice). After that we went to see Grammy and Grandaddy and you enjoyed playing in their shower (you call it your 'house') and unrolling a bunch of toliet paper in the bottom of it - Grandaddy will let you get away with ANYTHING!

Thanksgiving day we got up really early so we could drive to Fayettville to meet Grandpa, Uncle Jesse, Steve, Lisa, and your cousins Trinity, Katey, and Sam at the Sandpiper Restaurant. You didn't eat very much - hush puppies mostly - but you had a good time playing with Sam and Katey.

After we ate we all headed to do some Thanksgiving Day shopping in the few stores that were open. We went to KMart and Hammricks and then hit the Super Wal-Mart in Spring Lake on the way home. You are quite a trooper when it comes to shopping. When we would leave a store you would say, "Where are we going now?" You had the most fun playing with Sam. He's used to little girls since he has two sisters, and he kept you giggling the whole time we were in KMart.

After we got back to Sanford, we headed to Grammy's house. You had fallen asleep in the car on the way back so we took Grandaddy Elton's car so you could stay in your car seat and sleep a little longer. Grandaddy Ronnie had cooked steaks on the grill and Mema, Emily and Uncle Joe all came over to eat with us. You ate macaroni and cheese and salad, with ranch of course! We all got to see Uncle Joe's new car - a black 2007 Acura. Emily went ahead and gave us our Christmas gifts from her...she gave you a little pink stocking with a princess crown ornament in it. She gave Mommy penguin salt and pepper shakers (which was pretty cool since Mommy collects Christmas shakers!) and a Christmas hand towel.

The next morning Mommy and Daddy got up at 4:30 a.m. so they could be at Super Wal-Mart when the big sales started. It was INSANE!! People putting two 50-inch flat-screen plasma televisions in their cart at a time....lines a hundred people long for an XBox 360 game system....the whole store so packed that at times no one could even move in the aisles....We managed to get quite a few good deals though. The cupcake maker you have asked for constantly for Christmas was on sale for $20.00 and Mommy managed to get the very last one. We went to a few more stores after we got everything we wanted at Wal-mart. We actually got to see the sun rise for the first time in a long time - Mommy and Daddy are NOT morning people! - while Mommy ate a McGriddle Sausage Sandwich from McDonalds and Daddy stood in line at Game Stop.

We got a lot of great deals....probably saved nearly $200 all total. We went back to Grandma and Grandaddy's house and you were still asleep, so we went back to bed too! That night we went to Mema's house and had Thanksgiving Dinner with all of Mommy's family. There were 23 of us in that little house, but I think there was enough food to feed 60 people! We all ate until we thought we would explode and Mema still said, "Ya'll just don't eat like you used to....look at all this leftover food!" It felt really good to be with all my family. Everyone actually took time to stick around and spend time together after we ate. Grammy brought a bunch of old pictures from when Mommy was little and we all spent a lot of time reminiscing. Mommy helped Jason tune his new guitar and played a little and showed him a few chords. You played with "Little Boy Cameron" and Aleigha and Drew in front of Mema's Christmas tree most of the evening. Jason and I talked about how all of us had grown up spending so much time together as kids and how we wished the next generation of cousins could actually see each other more than a couple of times a year. Maybe someday...

Happily it will only be a few more weeks before we get to head back down that long road to Sanford once again and spend some more time with the family we love.

Haul Out the Holly

We've been putting up our Christmas decorations this week and you've been totally enthralled with everything. This is the first year you've really been a part of the decorating process, and you've really enjoyed every minute. Utterances of "Oooooh...", "Wow!", and "Oh Mommy, it's SOOO pretty!" have been frequent. The tree seems to have a bit more decorations on the bottom half than the top, and I've tried my best to curb my perfectionist tendencies and have only moved a few of your interesting ornament placements. Some ornaments didn't make it to the tree - the 'Sleeping Beauty' ornament that plays Once Upon a Dream would be one of those for obvious reasons. I have to keep reminding you that ornaments belong on the tree, and you need to leave them alone.

This morning you put on your pouty face and I asked you what was wrong. You said, "We didn't decorate my room!" So we picked out a few decorations - a snowman family, a christmas bell, and the singing Elmo, Cookie Monster, and Oscar the Grouch on a sled - and decorated you room. You seem satisfied with the results.

We're really getting in the Christmas spirit around here. Between all the holiday displays at the different stores, to practicing for the Christmas Cantata (we've sung those songs so much you are learning to sing them!) we can't help ourselves. I've bought a few gifts already, and even wore my candy cane shirt once. We've watched the DVD of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer several times, and of course, Daddy insisted on playing all the Christmas music CDs while we were decorating. A lot of folks can't believe we're already doing all this, but we've always had a tradition of putting up our Christmas decorations as early as possible. Daddy and I actually went out and bought a Christmas tree on Halloween night the first year we were married and put it up that very night....the tradidtion has continued ever since. We always try to put up the tree and decorations as early in November as possible. Of course, with being in the pastorate now, it seems a little harder to get the time to "haul out the holly" as the song goes. Daddy hasn't gotten to the yard decorations yet, and the angel still needs to be put on the tree. Maybe tomorrow night.