Thursday, May 06, 2010

Too Grown Up, Too Fast

I never imagined you would be so mature so quickly. How can a four year old possibly wrap her mind around the eternal questions you have been considering of late. Ever since your Granddaddy died, you have talked a lot about the concepts of heaven and hell and death. You try to be a little consoler, reminding me and Grammy any time you can that when we see Granddaddy in heaven, we won’t be sad anymore. You like to describe in vivid preschooler detail how joyous that reunion will be. You say things like, “Mommy, I know you are sad now. But when you get to heaven you will hug Granddaddy so tight and you will be so happy. You should think about that Mommy, when you feel sad.” You tell Grammy you can see Granddaddy waving in the clouds, or blowing kisses to you both when you are driving in the car together. Once you even told Grammy that he told you to tell her he loved her very much. You talk to me about how much you miss him and how he is your favorite Granddaddy. We cry together sometimes.

You worry about these things too much. No child should ever have to question these kinds of things. You shouldn’t have to comfort me. You shouldn’t have to play the part of a little adult because the adults around you are so damaged.

My heart just constricts when I think about your premature concerns of your own eternal destiny. You worry that you “do too many bad things to go to heaven.” You have even started blaming yourself for your Daddy’s depression, saying if you weren’t such a “bad person” your Daddy wouldn’t be sad all the time…that he wouldn’t be upset. I tell you over and over again that these things aren’t true. I remind you that you have asked Jesus into your heart, that you know He died on the cross for your sins, and that He is alive. (Maybe I haven’t done a good enough job of letting you see how truly salvation is through Him, and Him alone – that our works, good or bad, do not determine our relationship with the Father. Is it a curse of our holiness upbringing that all our children live in fear of the rapture/death because they never think they are good enough?) And I adamantly tell you every time the topic arises that your Daddy’s illness has nothing to do with you. I’m not sure you are listening.

Instead you are probably taking in the tense, stressed out faces of your mommy and daddy as they deal with the symptoms of a mental illness that has already claimed the life of one family member. You watch Grandma and Granddaddy Bryan work a little too hard to keep everything appearing normal. You see through the fa├žade of “everything is fine” when you visit Grammy’s house and instead pick up on the nearly suffocating grief that seems to permeate everything in that lonely place. Words of comfort mean little coming from adults who are searching for comfort and answers themselves.

I’m sorry you have to go through this period of confusion with us, little girl. I pray and pray and pray that you aren’t being irreparably damaged by it all. I pray for God to give me strength patience and wisdom to answer all your questions the right way, and to pick up on the things you aren’t saying too, so your fears can been diminished. Someday soon we will all feel secure again…the world won’t be upside down forever. I can’t wait for that day.


David said...

Petra, your mommy is so wise! Her wisdom has been effected by hurt and grief, but she is the best mommy in the world. I too am sorry for the mental illness I suffered from. Daddy was healed in june of 2010. God miraculously touched me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I too am sorry that you have to go through this season of confusion. When you are at grandmas house, it is not fake or a faceod, but a stable environment that tries to give you a healthy environment. A place of safty, prayer, normalcy and love. Mommy is so hurt that her grief and bittrness would not allow her to see this. A lot of this was my fault because I to lashed out at grandma and grandaddys strong faith when I was sickest and was being rebelious against the Lord and prayer! This effected mommy also. I have asked grandma and grandaddy to forgive me! They did and God has and even you in your sweet 4 your old way huged me with tears and told me you forgave me too! You told me last Saturday june 26 2010, that what you wanted was for you mommy and daddy to be back together again. You invited me to come to grammys house...I did not know what to say. But I wanted too.
There is no one on earth that loved and loves you more than mommy, daddy, grandma, grandaddy and grammy! We only wanted what is best for you! All of us! There have been side tracks like moving in this ministry life! I understand that frustration! I lived it too! But God has His hand on your beautiful life and you are going to be a strong Christian who will have seen first hand that salvation is from our Fathers love and grace not works. Holiness and our up bringing was not bad! It is our self righteousness that is wrong! Holiness is what we are to hunger after God for! That hunger is perfect.
Mommy did not play with you at times, not because of daddys sickness, but because we both took forgranted our time with you at times...laptops, DS Games, PS3s, and tv gave us a failure factor in giving you as much attention, teaching, and love that you deserve! We get it now and both of us committed to do better! We are and will and when you read this you will know I did!
Right now I can't wait until mommy and grammy allow you to spend time with me! You are only 4 now! You have a lifetime to see your daddy well, strong, and proud of him in ministry! I am so proud of you!
In July now, I hope mommy and grammys anger will not cause them to damage you through this confusion. Your daddy loves you, wants to play Pirate Pete with you for hours! And any other game you love and want to play. I count it an honor to be your favorite play friend! Being healed and seeing priorities clearly has only caused me to love you more and know that I will never take you or mommy forgranted again!
I have unshakeable faith in the woman of God you are becoming as you grow! You do not have to be the adult among damaged people anymore! God is going to bring healing to us all very soon just as He did me.
Forever yours! Love daddy!

David said...

It was never your fault Petra! It was all daddys fault. You were perfect. God mixed the best parts of me and mommy inside you! This issue of whose fault it is, will not matter in 10 years or even 1 year from now. It was my crazy and destorted thinking when I was sick. Despite that you did not feel that way all the time at told me one day when I was still sick: "daddy is it that disease in your head?" Yes it was sad that a 4 year old had to try and understand that, but today, when you are reading this, those days are vapors in the past! Your mommy and your daddy will be healed! I can't wait! You are so smart! God is going to use you in such powerful ways! I believe He already is.
- daddy