You're here...finally...truly...
It was a long and difficulte journey. I didn't know I'd have to have a C-section, or that you would have some difficulties with meconium before you were born. I couldn't have ever dreamed you'd weigh 9 lbs. 3 oz. or that you'd have so much hair!
I feel so ill-prepared. Nothing I've read, nothing anyone told me has prepared me for this exhilerating, frightening, amazing moment. Our family is no longer 'just us two.' Three human beings make up our circle of love now. You aren't just a little sensation in my belly anymore - you are a little person with needs, wants, emotions, expressions, and personality. I didn't anticipate how clearly I would see that personality nor how soon. You are a people-person already; you always want to be held and talked to, and you hate being left alone, even when you're sleeping. You don't curl up in the fetal position like most newborns...you stretch out, sometimes as straight as a board when you're upset. Your little cry is so funny, yet it tugs at my heartstrings immediately. I didn't know how much your cry would affect me. It motivates me to act at once - I can't delay a second in trying to find out what is wrong and how I can fix it.
What amazes me most is how much I can love someone I just met.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Your Nursery
We've been working hard on your nursery these past couple of weeks. I've been painting a mural on three of the four walls. The theme is 'carousel in the clouds' and there are carousel animals (a horse, a zebra, a swan, and a giraffe) on two walls surrounded by fluffy clouds. On the small section of wall next to your crib I have painted a large moon with a little girl angel sitting in the crook of the moon surrounded by clouds and stars. I'm really pleased with how things have turned out.
This past weekend your Grammy, your daddy, and I went to pick out the furnishings for the nursery. It was a big adventure to say the least. In the end we picked out some very pretty furniture that is a little lighter than a cherry color. The crib is convertible so you can use it as a toddler bed and as a full-size bed. The style to me is very elegant and feminine, so I hope you'll love it for a long time to come. We couldn't get the matching changing table yet - there was just no room for it in Grammy's Blazer! Grammy said she would get it before she comes back to visit at the end of August, so no worries there. The curtains were put up too....they are so very pretty! They are sky blue shears with white clouds all over them. Grammy tied up the valance with sparkling white ribbons, making them even more beautiful. I absolutely love them. When our friend Ruth gets a chance, she's going to paint clouds on your sky blue ceiling and then the room will be complete!
This past weekend your Grammy, your daddy, and I went to pick out the furnishings for the nursery. It was a big adventure to say the least. In the end we picked out some very pretty furniture that is a little lighter than a cherry color. The crib is convertible so you can use it as a toddler bed and as a full-size bed. The style to me is very elegant and feminine, so I hope you'll love it for a long time to come. We couldn't get the matching changing table yet - there was just no room for it in Grammy's Blazer! Grammy said she would get it before she comes back to visit at the end of August, so no worries there. The curtains were put up too....they are so very pretty! They are sky blue shears with white clouds all over them. Grammy tied up the valance with sparkling white ribbons, making them even more beautiful. I absolutely love them. When our friend Ruth gets a chance, she's going to paint clouds on your sky blue ceiling and then the room will be complete!
I can't wait for your arrival. I hope you love this nursery and can find joy and comfort and peace from the surroundings; your own private carousel in the clouds!
Making Your Presence Known
So many people had been asking me the question, "Have you felt the baby yet?" For the longest time, my answer was, "No, not yet." After enough people give me a shocked look when I said "no," I automatically started to worry, despite the fact that all the books I was reading told me many mothers didn't feel their babies move for several more weeks.
Finally one night when your daddy and I were lying in bed I felt a definite kick. It wasn't anything like the 'butterfly flutters' other mothers had told me your movements would feel like. There was no question in my mind at all that you were making your presence known in a major way. It was only a few days later that your daddy was actually able to feel you kicking too! You have made up for all those weeks of quietness by becoming a very acrobatic baby. Your kicks are always strong and frequent, especially in the evening when I'm relaxing in my recliner. Sometimes it feels like you do complete somersaults, which is a really odd sensation. It is very comforting to me when I feel you move, because its a reassurance that you are okay and growing and healthy. It also seems to make the entire experience that much more real. My growing stomach leaves no room for doubt in that department, but feeling your little movements makes it feel like you have a real identity and a unique personality that you are already trying to express.
So keep kicking my little soccer player!
Friday, May 27, 2005
IT'S A GIRL!!!
Wow! You have an identity now...Petra Sky Bryan. Today we had that important ultrasound to find out if you are a boy or girl....and you're a girl (at least there's an 80% chance you are!). Your daddy, my mom (Grammy) and your daddy's mom (Grandma) and dad (Grandpa) were all there when the ultrasound was done. You were all curled up in a little ball sleeping when we started, but a little poking and prodding soon had you moving around, scratching the side of your head and, of course, crossing your legs! Eventually the technician, Pam, said she was 80% sure you are a girl. She said everything looked very healthy and from her measurments you are about 13 oz. in size.
I'm so excited to be able to put a name to this little bundle inside me now...and we can also start picking out clothes and toys and things for you. That will be lots of fun. Your daddy is thrilled that he's going to have a 'daddy's girl' and I'm so happy too. Even though I had thought a lot about having a boy, I see what a great relationship I have with my own mother now that I'm older and I look forward to having that with you too.
I love you, Petra Sky...
I'm so excited to be able to put a name to this little bundle inside me now...and we can also start picking out clothes and toys and things for you. That will be lots of fun. Your daddy is thrilled that he's going to have a 'daddy's girl' and I'm so happy too. Even though I had thought a lot about having a boy, I see what a great relationship I have with my own mother now that I'm older and I look forward to having that with you too.
I love you, Petra Sky...
Monday, May 23, 2005
Girl or Boy?
This Friday, if all goes well (and you cooperate!) your Daddy and I will be going for an ultrasound that will hopefully tell us whether you are a girl or a boy. Both of us are so excited just to be able to finally call you by name (Luke or Petra) instead of constantly referring to you as 'the baby' or 'her or him'. Also it will mean we'll be able to start looking for clothes and other gender specific things to add to our baby registry so when loved ones shop for our upcoming baby showers they can get you lots of nice things!
We will be happy if you are just healthy, no matter what you are, but deep down I really hope you are a boy. I've always had a better connection it seems with the men in my life, and I guess the thoughts of you being a boy intimidate me a little less. I wonder if I could handle another hormonal, emotional female in the house. Your Daddy really hopes you are a girl though. He always had a lot of good friends who were girls, and he spent a lot of time growing up around his female relatives. I guess he's wishing out of his feelings of comfort then too. No matter what, I am so excited to see what kind of amazing and unique personality God will bless you with and how much you really are a combination of me and your daddy. I hope you have his peace-making abilities, his people skills, and his positive attitude. I hope you have my love for reading and learning, my creativity, and my tenacity. Most of all I hope you inherit from both of us a love for Christ that will far outstretch anything else you do.
I love you...
We will be happy if you are just healthy, no matter what you are, but deep down I really hope you are a boy. I've always had a better connection it seems with the men in my life, and I guess the thoughts of you being a boy intimidate me a little less. I wonder if I could handle another hormonal, emotional female in the house. Your Daddy really hopes you are a girl though. He always had a lot of good friends who were girls, and he spent a lot of time growing up around his female relatives. I guess he's wishing out of his feelings of comfort then too. No matter what, I am so excited to see what kind of amazing and unique personality God will bless you with and how much you really are a combination of me and your daddy. I hope you have his peace-making abilities, his people skills, and his positive attitude. I hope you have my love for reading and learning, my creativity, and my tenacity. Most of all I hope you inherit from both of us a love for Christ that will far outstretch anything else you do.
I love you...
Monday, May 09, 2005
Understanding the Unexplainable
Your daddy and I have experienced some difficult situations at the church these past few weeks, both of them dealing with the deaths of family members of our church people. The first one was the hardest because we had to comfort a young couple who had just lost their first baby. The baby was born premature and despite the best efforts of the doctors, she didn't make it. It was so heartrending to sit with that young mother as she held her lifeless child in her arms. You would have been proud of your daddy -- he did such an amazing job of comforting the mom and dad and saying all the right things to let them know that grief was okay, denial was okay, and even getting angry at God was okay. He even held the little baby for awhile because the mother asked him to. I guess she wanted someone to treat her little child as a baby and not an object.
As I sat there quietly, I thought of you and prayed desperately for your health and safety. I know that woman made some bad choices during her pregnancy that may have contributed to the death of her child, and I hope I'm doing all the right things for you -- watching what I eat and drink, being careful as to the activities I do, trying (semi-successfully) to get more sleep... Emotionally, afterward when we were leaving the hospital, I was really torn up. Your daddy comforted me and took me to dinner where we tried as best we could to erase the painful image from our mind.
Pain and grief are inevitable parts of life. Sometimes we can understand and pinpoint the cause, whether it be our own bad choices or the choices of others. Sometimes pain is not so easily explained -- bad things do happen to good people, to people who love and serve the Lord with all their hearts, to people who don't deserve it. We cannot reason those things away with religious cliches or hollow explanations. Suffice it to say that God is omnipotent and we are not. He does not bring suffering upon us, but He sometimes does allow it to touch us. The reasons for unexplainable suffering will remain beyond our grasp until that day when we see Him face to face and all things become clear. Until we can see our role, and the role of our pain, in the greater scheme of things, we have to work through our grief to the place where we can trust again.
I love you, little one.
As I sat there quietly, I thought of you and prayed desperately for your health and safety. I know that woman made some bad choices during her pregnancy that may have contributed to the death of her child, and I hope I'm doing all the right things for you -- watching what I eat and drink, being careful as to the activities I do, trying (semi-successfully) to get more sleep... Emotionally, afterward when we were leaving the hospital, I was really torn up. Your daddy comforted me and took me to dinner where we tried as best we could to erase the painful image from our mind.
Pain and grief are inevitable parts of life. Sometimes we can understand and pinpoint the cause, whether it be our own bad choices or the choices of others. Sometimes pain is not so easily explained -- bad things do happen to good people, to people who love and serve the Lord with all their hearts, to people who don't deserve it. We cannot reason those things away with religious cliches or hollow explanations. Suffice it to say that God is omnipotent and we are not. He does not bring suffering upon us, but He sometimes does allow it to touch us. The reasons for unexplainable suffering will remain beyond our grasp until that day when we see Him face to face and all things become clear. Until we can see our role, and the role of our pain, in the greater scheme of things, we have to work through our grief to the place where we can trust again.
I love you, little one.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Baby's First Pictures
We got to see you for the first time today!
Our exciting day began at 8:00 in the morning when your daddy and I arrived at Dr. Jones' office. My mom came too; she couldn't stand being left out of the big event. We waited for a good while before we were taken to the ultrasound room. The technician's name was Pam and we found out she was actually our neighbor. She was very nice.
They tried to do an ultrasound using the wand on my belly first, but you weren't developed enough for that method to work, so they decided to do a vaginal ultrasound. I was a little nervous, but it ended up not being too uncomfortable. It was only a matter of seconds later and there you were on the screen in front of me! You were only the size of a butterbean and it was pretty much impossible to make out any features, but it was still you, and I was so happy to see the life that was being created inside me firsthand.
The most amazing part was when she turned up the sound and we were all able to hear your heartbeat. My mom was estatic -- I thought she was going to dance around the room she was so giddy. Your daddy was smiling from ear to ear, and he kept saying "Wow! Can you believe it?" It was so cool. The reality of you really hit home. I can't wait for the next ultrasound when we will find out if you are a boy or a girl, and will get to see more of your features.
I love you already....I can't wait to see you in person.
Our exciting day began at 8:00 in the morning when your daddy and I arrived at Dr. Jones' office. My mom came too; she couldn't stand being left out of the big event. We waited for a good while before we were taken to the ultrasound room. The technician's name was Pam and we found out she was actually our neighbor. She was very nice.
They tried to do an ultrasound using the wand on my belly first, but you weren't developed enough for that method to work, so they decided to do a vaginal ultrasound. I was a little nervous, but it ended up not being too uncomfortable. It was only a matter of seconds later and there you were on the screen in front of me! You were only the size of a butterbean and it was pretty much impossible to make out any features, but it was still you, and I was so happy to see the life that was being created inside me firsthand.
The most amazing part was when she turned up the sound and we were all able to hear your heartbeat. My mom was estatic -- I thought she was going to dance around the room she was so giddy. Your daddy was smiling from ear to ear, and he kept saying "Wow! Can you believe it?" It was so cool. The reality of you really hit home. I can't wait for the next ultrasound when we will find out if you are a boy or a girl, and will get to see more of your features.
I love you already....I can't wait to see you in person.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
The Temptations of Fisher Price
What a good baby you are already! *grin* Well, at least you haven't made me sick at all, and for that I am very thankful. My mom has decided she wants you to call her 'Grammy'...I guess since she bought you your first baby blanket she figures she has first-dibs on grandmother names.
Your daddy and I have been looking at strollers and cribs and all sorts of baby toys and equipment all week. It is fascinating how many things exist now for babies that didn't exist when we were little. Like exersaucers for example; we used to have walkers which looked a lot like exersaucers except they had wheels on them and the baby could scoot around the house while they developed their leg strength and coordination. I don't really know why they phased walkers out; someone said they heard they were dangerous. Of course, lots of things become dangerous with passing generations that previous generations didn't give a second thought. Another interesting invention we looked at was called a Bopppy. This is apparently a pillow that can be used to support the baby when the mother is feeding or to help the baby learn how to sit up. I guess our parents were terribly deprived since they had to rely on pure arm strength and propped us up against pillows when we were learning to sit up.
I guess on reflection, there are many things that I will want you to have because I want you to have the best of everything. But at the same time, if you don't have every new contraption or invention designed to speed your development, that won't mean you won't grow up to be just as happy, healthy, and intelligent as anyone else. Its good to have perspective - especially when you walk down isle after isle of muticolored Fisher-Price gadgets at Toys R' Us. :-)
Your daddy and I have been looking at strollers and cribs and all sorts of baby toys and equipment all week. It is fascinating how many things exist now for babies that didn't exist when we were little. Like exersaucers for example; we used to have walkers which looked a lot like exersaucers except they had wheels on them and the baby could scoot around the house while they developed their leg strength and coordination. I don't really know why they phased walkers out; someone said they heard they were dangerous. Of course, lots of things become dangerous with passing generations that previous generations didn't give a second thought. Another interesting invention we looked at was called a Bopppy. This is apparently a pillow that can be used to support the baby when the mother is feeding or to help the baby learn how to sit up. I guess our parents were terribly deprived since they had to rely on pure arm strength and propped us up against pillows when we were learning to sit up.
I guess on reflection, there are many things that I will want you to have because I want you to have the best of everything. But at the same time, if you don't have every new contraption or invention designed to speed your development, that won't mean you won't grow up to be just as happy, healthy, and intelligent as anyone else. Its good to have perspective - especially when you walk down isle after isle of muticolored Fisher-Price gadgets at Toys R' Us. :-)
Friday, February 11, 2005
Welcome to the family...
Finally! Finally you are here....heaven-sent little life that will be with me every second of every day for the next eight months. I am so amazed at the happiness you can inspire even though you are still unseen.
Your daddy and I went to the doctor yesterday (February 10, 2005) to confirm what we already were pretty about. A little lab work later and the doctor was congratulating us. He said you were already 4 weeks old. It leaves me speechless! In just 4 more weeks we will be able to hear your heartbeat, and that really excites me.
Your Grandma McKay is taking to the news very well. She even emailed me this morning to tell me she had already bought something for you! I think you are going to be very spoiled. Your Grandma Bryan is beside herself she is so happy and your daddy's Aunt Katherine is hoping that you are twins! I'll admit, I laughed a little nervously at that thought....but whatever happens, I am happy. You've brought me so much contentment, little one. I feel satisfied, more so than perhaps ever before.
You've had other effects on me as well. Mexican food, which used to be my favorite, is really unappealing to me at the moment. Practically anything spicy isn't on my list of favorite things anymore. And I do feel sleepy a lot, but that's okay -- its a good reason to nap! Your daddy now has the unpleasant task of cleaning out Xena-cat's litter box for the next 8 months, and I'll admit I feel no small amount of amusement over that.
Let me tell you funny story that happened the other night concerning that cat. We were all sitting in that tiny little living room we have in the house on Clearwater Drive, and we were talking about you and how excited we were. Your daddy looked at our little Pembroke Welsh Corgi, Abigail, and said, "Abigail, you're going to be a sister!" Xena-cat looked at him as if she were offended, and then jumped in my lap, put her paws on my tummy and bowed her head, in the absolute picture of a prayer! She stayed that way for nearly a minute...it really looked like she was praying over you. Well, if animals can talk to God (why not?) I think my dear little kitty was sending good emotions toward you. Funny, huh?
Your daddy and I went to the doctor yesterday (February 10, 2005) to confirm what we already were pretty about. A little lab work later and the doctor was congratulating us. He said you were already 4 weeks old. It leaves me speechless! In just 4 more weeks we will be able to hear your heartbeat, and that really excites me.
Your Grandma McKay is taking to the news very well. She even emailed me this morning to tell me she had already bought something for you! I think you are going to be very spoiled. Your Grandma Bryan is beside herself she is so happy and your daddy's Aunt Katherine is hoping that you are twins! I'll admit, I laughed a little nervously at that thought....but whatever happens, I am happy. You've brought me so much contentment, little one. I feel satisfied, more so than perhaps ever before.
You've had other effects on me as well. Mexican food, which used to be my favorite, is really unappealing to me at the moment. Practically anything spicy isn't on my list of favorite things anymore. And I do feel sleepy a lot, but that's okay -- its a good reason to nap! Your daddy now has the unpleasant task of cleaning out Xena-cat's litter box for the next 8 months, and I'll admit I feel no small amount of amusement over that.
Let me tell you funny story that happened the other night concerning that cat. We were all sitting in that tiny little living room we have in the house on Clearwater Drive, and we were talking about you and how excited we were. Your daddy looked at our little Pembroke Welsh Corgi, Abigail, and said, "Abigail, you're going to be a sister!" Xena-cat looked at him as if she were offended, and then jumped in my lap, put her paws on my tummy and bowed her head, in the absolute picture of a prayer! She stayed that way for nearly a minute...it really looked like she was praying over you. Well, if animals can talk to God (why not?) I think my dear little kitty was sending good emotions toward you. Funny, huh?
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Friday, January 28, 2005
I will always support you. Even when your decisions are ones I don't understand or when they take you far away from me. If you tell me the decision you're making is something you've prayed hard about and sought God's will about, if you feel certain that He has given you clarity about the decision, then I will be behind you 100%. Sometimes it may be very hard -- I may think I know what's best for you, and I may think you haven't thought things through the way I have. But some lessons can only be learned by experiencing them, and I may not always be right about what God's future holds for you. If I try to hide my crying-eyes, and my "stiff upper lip" seems to tremble, you must forgive me...I love you and I want you near me and safe. But I'll let you fly free.
Just never forget how to fly home when your wings are tired.
Just never forget how to fly home when your wings are tired.
Friday, January 07, 2005
Control Freak
It's been a long time since I've written. I'll admit it...I'm discouraged. We've been trying to get pregnant for more than five months now. I know, I know - that's a drop in the bucket when you consider people who have tried for years to get pregnant without success. I guess I had always assumed it would be easy. My mom had no trouble at all; every time she stopped taking birth control she immediately got pregnant. But I have to be reassured that God has all of our best interests at heart and His timing will ultimately be perfect.
I've been thinking a lot about our relationship in the future, mostly because of recent issues I have seen some of my friends facing in their own relationships with their mothers. Controlling, manipulative, or hypocritical women seem to make up a large and unsettling percentage of this generation of mothers. One of my friends went away as a missionary for two years before coming home to finish college. Her parents offered to help her pay for her college and let her live at home to help her out financially. Her mother has since become very controlling - wanting her to spend all her time with her family and very little to no time with friends or her boyfriend. Her mother gives her guilt over the money they are spending, and is evasive any time she tries to have a sit-down discussion about the tension that is growing between them.
Another friend's mother is being very hypocritical about her faith. As my friend struggles with her own spirituality, she is grieved by the way her mom isn't the spiritual role model she needs at this time in her life. Her mother is even jealous of spiritual mentors she's adopted in an attempt to fill in this void. I don't know if its just mothers and daughters particularly that face these battles, or what.
I wonder what I can do to not be so controlling. Being a control freak comes pretty naturally to me. My mom is a domineering type person and I inherited that first-born tendency from her. I know I will want to push you in certain directions, wanting "what's best for you," but I have to remember to honor your individuality and let you make decisions for yourself and deal with their consequences. I also can't live my life vicariously through you. Though I would love for you to be talented in music and become a member of the school band or orchestra, that is my dream...yours may be very different. I hope you and I develop a friendship as you grow older that you will feel like I can be your mentor and your companion in life. Though it will be hard, I hope I can let you have your space (like my mom has so lovingly let me had mine) so coming home will be a welcome visit, not an obligation. Most of all, I pray fervently that I will be a strong Christian role model to you - that you can follow me as I follow Christ. I hope there will be many people in life that will guide you and mentor you in your faith. I will be willing to share.
I've been thinking a lot about our relationship in the future, mostly because of recent issues I have seen some of my friends facing in their own relationships with their mothers. Controlling, manipulative, or hypocritical women seem to make up a large and unsettling percentage of this generation of mothers. One of my friends went away as a missionary for two years before coming home to finish college. Her parents offered to help her pay for her college and let her live at home to help her out financially. Her mother has since become very controlling - wanting her to spend all her time with her family and very little to no time with friends or her boyfriend. Her mother gives her guilt over the money they are spending, and is evasive any time she tries to have a sit-down discussion about the tension that is growing between them.
Another friend's mother is being very hypocritical about her faith. As my friend struggles with her own spirituality, she is grieved by the way her mom isn't the spiritual role model she needs at this time in her life. Her mother is even jealous of spiritual mentors she's adopted in an attempt to fill in this void. I don't know if its just mothers and daughters particularly that face these battles, or what.
I wonder what I can do to not be so controlling. Being a control freak comes pretty naturally to me. My mom is a domineering type person and I inherited that first-born tendency from her. I know I will want to push you in certain directions, wanting "what's best for you," but I have to remember to honor your individuality and let you make decisions for yourself and deal with their consequences. I also can't live my life vicariously through you. Though I would love for you to be talented in music and become a member of the school band or orchestra, that is my dream...yours may be very different. I hope you and I develop a friendship as you grow older that you will feel like I can be your mentor and your companion in life. Though it will be hard, I hope I can let you have your space (like my mom has so lovingly let me had mine) so coming home will be a welcome visit, not an obligation. Most of all, I pray fervently that I will be a strong Christian role model to you - that you can follow me as I follow Christ. I hope there will be many people in life that will guide you and mentor you in your faith. I will be willing to share.
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