Control Freak

It's been a long time since I've written. I'll admit it...I'm discouraged. We've been trying to get pregnant for more than five months now. I know, I know - that's a drop in the bucket when you consider people who have tried for years to get pregnant without success. I guess I had always assumed it would be easy. My mom had no trouble at all; every time she stopped taking birth control she immediately got pregnant. But I have to be reassured that God has all of our best interests at heart and His timing will ultimately be perfect.

I've been thinking a lot about our relationship in the future, mostly because of recent issues I have seen some of my friends facing in their own relationships with their mothers. Controlling, manipulative, or hypocritical women seem to make up a large and unsettling percentage of this generation of mothers. One of my friends went away as a missionary for two years before coming home to finish college. Her parents offered to help her pay for her college and let her live at home to help her out financially. Her mother has since become very controlling - wanting her to spend all her time with her family and very little to no time with friends or her boyfriend. Her mother gives her guilt over the money they are spending, and is evasive any time she tries to have a sit-down discussion about the tension that is growing between them.

Another friend's mother is being very hypocritical about her faith. As my friend struggles with her own spirituality, she is grieved by the way her mom isn't the spiritual role model she needs at this time in her life. Her mother is even jealous of spiritual mentors she's adopted in an attempt to fill in this void. I don't know if its just mothers and daughters particularly that face these battles, or what.

I wonder what I can do to not be so controlling. Being a control freak comes pretty naturally to me. My mom is a domineering type person and I inherited that first-born tendency from her. I know I will want to push you in certain directions, wanting "what's best for you," but I have to remember to honor your individuality and let you make decisions for yourself and deal with their consequences. I also can't live my life vicariously through you. Though I would love for you to be talented in music and become a member of the school band or orchestra, that is my dream...yours may be very different. I hope you and I develop a friendship as you grow older that you will feel like I can be your mentor and your companion in life. Though it will be hard, I hope I can let you have your space (like my mom has so lovingly let me had mine) so coming home will be a welcome visit, not an obligation. Most of all, I pray fervently that I will be a strong Christian role model to you - that you can follow me as I follow Christ. I hope there will be many people in life that will guide you and mentor you in your faith. I will be willing to share.