Choices

Here we are...the summer is pretty much over and it's time to make some hard decisions.

You will turn four in October and will be old enough to go to preschool. At one time this face was a no brainer for me. I would go back to teaching, you would go to preschool, and we would start the 'school years' chapter of our lives together with a few tears, but relatively little angst.

Now....I'm not so sure.

This move has been a difficult one for you. I knew it would be, but I don't know that I really understood how you would respond. That coupled with the fact that we've been gone so much this summer, well, it's lead to you being extremely clingy to me. You don't want me out of your sight for a moment. No one else will satisfy you. You even choose me over Daddy or (gasp) Grammy and Grandma. And I can forget you going to your little classes on Sunday morning or Sunday night. You only go to Sunday School (a.k.a. "Scamper Class") and Rainbows on Wednesday nights very reluctantly. I can't imagine you going to preschool for hours everyday without me.

It saddens me to think how independent you were when we were at Higher Ground, and now you are so shy and reluctant to trust anyone. I guess this is a stage you'll grow past, and probably with time we'll barely remember you being this way. But right now, it's our whole world and I can't help but feel a bit guilt ridden. You can't imagine how hard it is to walk away from you and leave you in a class when you give me those 'don't-leave-me-mommy' looks as I turn to go. You'll probably never know how many times I've cried over it. If there's anything I regret about moving it's this change in your nature.

That's not to say it isn't frustrating for me too. There are a lot of responsibilities in our ministry at South Henderson that are very difficult to fulfill with a needy, emotional, three-year-old wrapped around my leg. Sometimes I get impatient with you and let my frustration show too much. Thank goodness you are so forgiving. I'll keep working on it though, remembering that it will just take time for you to come to know and love our new friends like I already do. I also try to remind myself that there will come a day that I would give anything for you to want to spend time with me....for you to be able to crawl up in my lap and fall asleep again. Sometimes we get stuck in the "now" and forget how temporary the "now" really is. Ecclesiastes calls it "chasing the wind" and I think that's a very accurate description.

So what do I do? Do I look for a job and go ahead making plans for you to become a preschooler? Do I stay home with you one more year, savoring this intimate time together that will never come again? I'm not sure. My heart is torn. More prayer and more soul searching will have to happen before I know just what to do. But above all I have to trust the ONE who gave you to me is able to keep you.

I love you, my little clingy girl.....