We Will Remember

Petra, I never imagined having to write this. I never imagined that I would have to make an effort to help you remember one of your grandparents. I just thought all of them would be there for you for the better part of your life. That they would watch you in dance recitals or ball games, concerts and plays...that they would watch you graduate and walk down the aisle to be married someday. The only reason they wouldn't see those things, in my naive mind was if the Lord came back and raptured us all home before those things occurred. Never, ever did I consider that one of them would die before you were even old enough to really remember them.

But here we are.

Your Grandaddy, "Grammy's Grandaddy" as you like to distinguish him, my Daddy, died on December 7, 2009. This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. There is no comparison to be made to this kind of grief. I know if the Lord tarries, you will have to go through it someday - I pray earnestly that it will not be this sudden and more than that, that it will not be under such traumatizing circumstances. Someday perhaps I can go into the details of how Grandaddy died. I just can't do it right now...not in this post. This post is about my commitment to you to help you remember someone who should never be forgotten.

Your Grandaddy was the strongest man I have ever known. He was the one who could always be counted on in every situation. If something needed to be done, if there was a crisis staring you in the face, he was our anchor. My mom, your Grammy, always has had the reputation of being the 'strong one' in her family. But I saw the truth of the matter - she was strong, but he was her rock. He took care of everyone...me and my brother, Grammy, MeMa, and really even his sister-in-laws knew they could count on him when they needed anything.

He was a man of integrity - a hard worker who gained the respect of all of his coworkers and those who worked under him. Everyone who was touched by his life was changed for the better. His work ethic was second to none and the bar he raised on every task was often a hard one to live up to. No one kept a more immaculate car or yard. No house was better maintained. So much of his identity was wrapped up in what he did and how well he did it. He was a perfectionist, no doubt about it.

But I also remember the tender love he always showed to our family. He was never hesitant to tell you he loved you, to wrap you up in a strong hug, or kiss you on the cheek. He worked hard, but those times we did get to spend together he never held back in showing us how much he cared about us. I remember playing tag in the yard with him, or shooting hoops at the end of the driveway. I remember baking him little cakes with my Easy Bake oven which he would always eat and tell me how good they were, no matter how badly mixed or how runny the icing. He was always there and it was his presence that made me always feel safe and loved. He worked a lot - too much really. But the times that it mattered the most, he was there. He was there, and now I admit I feel very lost at the thought that he isn't anymore.

Oh, how he loved you. You were his first grandchild and the only one I am to sad to say he ever knew. He loved you and showed a reckless childlike abandon when he spent time with you. He would roll around on the floor with you, play hide and seek, make funny voices for dolls and stuffed animals. You would jump out from behind his recliner and yell, "Boo!" and he would jump and make a big deal out of pretending to be scared. You spent a lot of time outside together, watering the garden or playing on the swingset. You would play in the sand box for hours, and he never seemed to mind you dumping play sand all over the yard (Uncle Joe nor I could have ever gotten away with that!).

They had a big playground at Lakewood Campground at Myrtle Beach where we would all go together. I have such great memories of you and Grandaddy running around that playground, or playing in the arcade. He went and bought cereal so you could feed the ducks.

I also remember the two of you playing in the leaves. You were the only person ever allowed to mess up his leaf piles. One time we were staying at Grammy and Grandaddy's house and I heard you doing something in their bathroom at the back of the house. When I went back there to check on you, there you were standing in the shower surrounded by piles of unrolled toliet paper, Grandaddy standing over you grinning. I started to scold you, but he interrupted me, saying, "Oh, it don't matter. We'll just buy some more at Sam's." My mouth dropped open. Where was my spend-thrift dad? He'd somehow been replaced by a ready-to-spoil grandaddy.

You are going to miss out on so much with him gone. I hope I can keep the memories of him alive in you. I don't want you to ever forget.

Christmas is not about wrapping paper and bows...

We were heading home from church last night, just the two of us in the car. Daddy was home sick - bronchitis, the poor thing. I hope you don't inherit his propensity to catch upper respirator type infections...he gets twice as many as I do, I think. You were 'oohing' and 'aaahhhing' over all the Christmas lights we passed. I'm enjoying the fact that this Christmas season you are really able to take in and enjoy some of those little things for the first time. We took you to see Christmas lights before, but you seemed only briefly fascinated. I think we'll have to plan a special Christmas-light-viewing-outing this year.

There are a lot of traditions for you to enjoy during the holidays. Before our big family get-togethers on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, we have some traditions we follow throughout the month of December. We have a felt count-down-to-Christmas calendar that we use to build excitement through the weeks leading up to Christmas. There are Christmas plays and musicals at church to plan for, practice for, and enjoy. When we are home, we always try to watch a lot of Christmas movies during December. Daddy is all about finding that radio station that plays 24-hour Christmas carols to listen to in the car. We love to shop for our family members and really take the time to buy them things that reflect their individual personalities, not just what the 'hot' item might be that year. I am hoping you and I can start some new traditions of our own as well. I want you and I to make some Christmas cookies together, and make some homemade Christmas cards for the granparents. I'm even optimistically thinking you might be able to help me wrap some of the gifts. Granted they won't be as "perfect" as I used to make my gifts look when I first got married, but I don't think that matters.

Boy, did I obsess over the package trimming those first couple of years though. Clothing had to be placed in tissue paper before it went in the box....wrapping paper had to be unique and elegant....every package had to have ribbon wrapped fancifully around it. I made my own bows or embellished store bought ones. Once I started teaching full-time life got a lot busier and ministry responsibilities around the holidays became more intense. Soon I had stopped worrying so much about the look of the package on the outside and became more concerned on what was on the inside. By the time I had you, well....let's just say last year the packages just did have cheap little stick on bows and more than half of the gifts ended up in gift bags. I have to chuckle when I think about it. All that fanciful wrapping usually got crushed or messed up when we had to pack all those gifts into the trunk of our little car for the 3+ hour drive back to Sanford. And even the ones that did survive the trip were destroyed in 0.5 seconds of excitement.

So that's my life lesson for today, I suppose; don't obsess so much on the outer trappings, whether in Christmas or just in life in general. It's what is inside that counts.

The Frustrating But Fascinating Fours

Everyone talks about the 'terrible twos' and the 'trying threes'...now I've coined a new expression - the 'frustrating fours'. You really weren't that bad at two or three. A tantrum here and there, but overall nothing that overwhelming. Now I'm beginning to think you saved it all up until now.

In the past month you have become argumentative, defiant, irrational and often hysterical. It takes little to no provocation to send you right on over the deep end. The tantrums you had at 2 and 3 resemble mild spring showers compared to the hurricane force meltdowns you have now. You have mood swings like a pendulum - one minute it's "I love you so much mommy! You are my best friend!"....the next minute it's "Don't say that to me! Leave me alone! I'm going to my room!" I think a lot of it seems to be connected with how much down time you have at home. Days when we aren't home very much because of school and church responsibilities, you seem to do worse. Yesterday, when we were home all afternoon and evening, you did great and were as sweet as sugar all day. I guess I have to adjust to the fact that you are going to need more time at home to 'download' all that's going on in that little head of yours and the old break-neck paced schedule that worked when you were smaller may not be viable now.

That's not to say you haven't matured in some other areas. Your vocabulary continues to astound and you sound like a little adult in your conversation a lot of the time. I've been really proud of the way your grasp of spiritual concepts has been improving. You really seem to have a good hold on the concepts of 'sin' and why Jesus died on the cross to erase those sins. You have started apologizing on your own for bad behavior, without being prompted (some of the time anyway) and you even ask me to pray with you that God would forgive you too. I'm so proud of that. On your good days, you seem to be more considerate of other people's feelings than you used to be. I hope that's a sign that you are starting to grow out of the whole 'the world revolves around me' stage and start being more social and willing to share.

You are into so many things....you are a good artist; you draw pictures of people much better than I think I ever did at this age. You like to 'work' on things with your tool set and dance to music on the cd player. You also like to play your Leapster (Pet Pals mostly), Thomas the Train, and Polly Pocket and the Disney Princesses. And of course, you love to play with your "best friend" Madision at preschool and at church.

You watch Nick Jr. on television more than Disney Channel (though you are still fond of Handy Manny). Your favorite shows seem to be Yo Gabba Gabba (I call that show 'Seseme Street on drugs'....weeeeird...), Ni Hao Kai Lan, Dora the Explorer and The Upside Down Show.

You still love to play with "Pirate Pete" (the pirate puppet Daddy uses to tell you stories at night) and can't go anywhere without your blankie ("the pink one with the curly things on it"). Some days I look at you being so grown up and so loving and I wonder if that Miss Hyde I saw earlier in the week was just a figment of my imagination.

And then I hear a frustrated, angry scream from the other room....I roll my eyes, and say "Here we go again..."

Broken Hearted

So it finally happened. I got a new job. I am the Granville County Schools transition teacher for Central Children's Home. It's part time - 8:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m., but that still means you are now going to daycare. You are in the 'Older Threes' class at Greater Beginnings Childcare Center. Your teacher is named Ms. Tiwanda and she is a really great lady - she definitely has a heart for your age group. You seem to have a good group of kids in your class; your teacher says this group is really a lot mellower than the group she had last year.

You and I have been working our way into this for a little while. The whole month of September we went to your class a few hours at a time together so you could get used to the kids and your teacher and the schedule they keep (I told the school system I couldn't start working until the end of the month for this very reason). You seemed to gradually get accustomed to things, but that very first day that I had to leave you was a heartbreaker.

You seemed to sense that something was up and acted more clingy than usual, so there was no sneaking away from you. When I tried to leave, you started screaming and crying and wrapped your arms and legs around my leg begging me not to go. I was devestated...how was I supposed to let you go? Feeling like the worst mother who had ever lived, I pried you off of my leg and handed you to Tiwana. As I turned away and started walking down the hall, one of the workers looked at me and my expression of anguish and said sympathetically, "She's gonna be okay, Mama." That was the last thing I needed to hear. The dam broke and I sobbed...I sat down in Michelle's office and sobbed and sobbed. They tried their best to comfort me, and told me that within minutes you were fine and playing with blocks, but it didn't help me. I cried all the way to the school, only pulling it together at the last minute so my supervisor didn't think I was crazy.

Since then you've done really well. You seem to enjoy being around other kids, especially now that your friend Madision is in your class. You still have a few moments that you seem reluctant to go, and I still harbor some latent feelings of guilt, but I think it's been a good experience so far. A lot of the church people have observed you have started really coming out of your shell and I think a lot of that can be attributed to being at Great Beginnings.

Let's just pray God can heal your mommy's broken heart.

A Different Experience

I found out from a friend last night that the state has changed the rules this year concerning the cutoff date for children starting school. For many years the date was in fact your birthday - October 15. This year, they changed the date to August 25. So just because of this change, you won't be able to start pre-K this year. Not only that, but when you start kindergarten you will be nearly six years old.

What's the big deal? Basically, I think you are ready now. I started kindergarten when I was 4 (back in the days before there was a such thing as pre-K) and under the current rules, I wouldn't have been able to do so. I guess I had just always assumed you would follow in my footsteps in this respect. I graduated at 17; you will be nearly 19. I was one of the youngest kids in my classes, you'll be one of the oldest.

How will this affect you? I'm really not sure. Will elementary school be a little easier because you will be more emotionally mature? Will you get bored because you are intellectually ahead of some other kids? When you become a teen, will the comparative immaturity of guys in your grade lead you to wait on dating until college (I can always hope!) or will you want to date a senior when you're a sophomore? (YIKES)

I don't know. I can only pray that the differences between your school experience and mine are only positive ones. Mommy probably is just worrying about something you'll never give a second thought about, and really...that will be just fine.

Choices

Here we are...the summer is pretty much over and it's time to make some hard decisions.

You will turn four in October and will be old enough to go to preschool. At one time this face was a no brainer for me. I would go back to teaching, you would go to preschool, and we would start the 'school years' chapter of our lives together with a few tears, but relatively little angst.

Now....I'm not so sure.

This move has been a difficult one for you. I knew it would be, but I don't know that I really understood how you would respond. That coupled with the fact that we've been gone so much this summer, well, it's lead to you being extremely clingy to me. You don't want me out of your sight for a moment. No one else will satisfy you. You even choose me over Daddy or (gasp) Grammy and Grandma. And I can forget you going to your little classes on Sunday morning or Sunday night. You only go to Sunday School (a.k.a. "Scamper Class") and Rainbows on Wednesday nights very reluctantly. I can't imagine you going to preschool for hours everyday without me.

It saddens me to think how independent you were when we were at Higher Ground, and now you are so shy and reluctant to trust anyone. I guess this is a stage you'll grow past, and probably with time we'll barely remember you being this way. But right now, it's our whole world and I can't help but feel a bit guilt ridden. You can't imagine how hard it is to walk away from you and leave you in a class when you give me those 'don't-leave-me-mommy' looks as I turn to go. You'll probably never know how many times I've cried over it. If there's anything I regret about moving it's this change in your nature.

That's not to say it isn't frustrating for me too. There are a lot of responsibilities in our ministry at South Henderson that are very difficult to fulfill with a needy, emotional, three-year-old wrapped around my leg. Sometimes I get impatient with you and let my frustration show too much. Thank goodness you are so forgiving. I'll keep working on it though, remembering that it will just take time for you to come to know and love our new friends like I already do. I also try to remind myself that there will come a day that I would give anything for you to want to spend time with me....for you to be able to crawl up in my lap and fall asleep again. Sometimes we get stuck in the "now" and forget how temporary the "now" really is. Ecclesiastes calls it "chasing the wind" and I think that's a very accurate description.

So what do I do? Do I look for a job and go ahead making plans for you to become a preschooler? Do I stay home with you one more year, savoring this intimate time together that will never come again? I'm not sure. My heart is torn. More prayer and more soul searching will have to happen before I know just what to do. But above all I have to trust the ONE who gave you to me is able to keep you.

I love you, my little clingy girl.....

Too Much Time Away

My beautiful daughter....I miss you so. This summer, I have been away from you more than I have since you have been born. Two weeks of youth camp (not consecutively, thankfully), a week of mission trip, and now this weekend I am at Youth Quest. I struggle with regret that I am missing some of that amazing growing up that you're constantly doing right before my eyes. But I know the time you are getting to spend with your Grammy, Grandma, and Grandaddies is priceless. As much as I miss you, I know you are gaining so much more than just a couple of weeks of spoiling.

I spent nearly every afternoon and most of the summer with my cousins at my Grandma's (Mema) house. The close relationship I gained with all of my family is something that I could give nothing for...it shaped the person I became, my values, my humor, my goals, and my character. I don't want you to miss out on those life lessons just because we are in the ministry and probably won't ever live in the same town with them. Family should not be a victim of the pastorate.

Next year...you are DEFINITELY coming with us everywhere we go. You'll be a little older, and probably a lot more comfortable with the people at South Henderson PH. I know the transition the past several months has probably been harder for you because, not only have we left the only church and church family you have ever known, but we haven't been home very much at SHPHC for you to really get to know everyone. I want you to be a part of our ministry, not excluded from it. I want you to grow up loving every minute of serving the Lord and all the amazing, funny, talented and loving people who are a part of that service. Sooo...fingers crossed, next year, four-year-old in tow, will be a summer to remember!!