Too Grown Up, Too Fast

I never imagined you would be so mature so quickly. How can a four year old possibly wrap her mind around the eternal questions you have been considering of late. Ever since your Granddaddy died, you have talked a lot about the concepts of heaven and hell and death. You try to be a little consoler, reminding me and Grammy any time you can that when we see Granddaddy in heaven, we won’t be sad anymore. You like to describe in vivid preschooler detail how joyous that reunion will be. You say things like, “Mommy, I know you are sad now. But when you get to heaven you will hug Granddaddy so tight and you will be so happy. You should think about that Mommy, when you feel sad.” You tell Grammy you can see Granddaddy waving in the clouds, or blowing kisses to you both when you are driving in the car together. Once you even told Grammy that he told you to tell her he loved her very much. You talk to me about how much you miss him and how he is your favorite Granddaddy. We cry together sometimes.

You worry about these things too much. No child should ever have to question these kinds of things. You shouldn’t have to comfort me. You shouldn’t have to play the part of a little adult because the adults around you are so damaged.

My heart just constricts when I think about your premature concerns of your own eternal destiny. You worry that you “do too many bad things to go to heaven.” You have even started blaming yourself for your Daddy’s depression, saying if you weren’t such a “bad person” your Daddy wouldn’t be sad all the time…that he wouldn’t be upset. I tell you over and over again that these things aren’t true. I remind you that you have asked Jesus into your heart, that you know He died on the cross for your sins, and that He is alive. (Maybe I haven’t done a good enough job of letting you see how truly salvation is through Him, and Him alone – that our works, good or bad, do not determine our relationship with the Father. Is it a curse of our holiness upbringing that all our children live in fear of the rapture/death because they never think they are good enough?) And I adamantly tell you every time the topic arises that your Daddy’s illness has nothing to do with you. I’m not sure you are listening.

Instead you are probably taking in the tense, stressed out faces of your mommy and daddy as they deal with the symptoms of a mental illness that has already claimed the life of one family member. You watch Grandma and Granddaddy Bryan work a little too hard to keep everything appearing normal. You see through the façade of “everything is fine” when you visit Grammy’s house and instead pick up on the nearly suffocating grief that seems to permeate everything in that lonely place. Words of comfort mean little coming from adults who are searching for comfort and answers themselves.

I’m sorry you have to go through this period of confusion with us, little girl. I pray and pray and pray that you aren’t being irreparably damaged by it all. I pray for God to give me strength patience and wisdom to answer all your questions the right way, and to pick up on the things you aren’t saying too, so your fears can been diminished. Someday soon we will all feel secure again…the world won’t be upside down forever. I can’t wait for that day.

The Frustrating But Fascinating Fours

Everyone talks about the 'terrible twos' and the 'trying threes'...now I've coined a new expression - the 'frustrating fours'. You really weren't that bad at two or three. A tantrum here and there, but overall nothing that overwhelming. Now I'm beginning to think you saved it all up until now.

In the past month you have become argumentative, defiant, irrational and often hysterical. It takes little to no provocation to send you right on over the deep end. The tantrums you had at 2 and 3 resemble mild spring showers compared to the hurricane force meltdowns you have now. You have mood swings like a pendulum - one minute it's "I love you so much mommy! You are my best friend!"....the next minute it's "Don't say that to me! Leave me alone! I'm going to my room!" I think a lot of it seems to be connected with how much down time you have at home. Days when we aren't home very much because of school and church responsibilities, you seem to do worse. Yesterday, when we were home all afternoon and evening, you did great and were as sweet as sugar all day. I guess I have to adjust to the fact that you are going to need more time at home to 'download' all that's going on in that little head of yours and the old break-neck paced schedule that worked when you were smaller may not be viable now.

That's not to say you haven't matured in some other areas. Your vocabulary continues to astound and you sound like a little adult in your conversation a lot of the time. I've been really proud of the way your grasp of spiritual concepts has been improving. You really seem to have a good hold on the concepts of 'sin' and why Jesus died on the cross to erase those sins. You have started apologizing on your own for bad behavior, without being prompted (some of the time anyway) and you even ask me to pray with you that God would forgive you too. I'm so proud of that. On your good days, you seem to be more considerate of other people's feelings than you used to be. I hope that's a sign that you are starting to grow out of the whole 'the world revolves around me' stage and start being more social and willing to share.

You are into so many things....you are a good artist; you draw pictures of people much better than I think I ever did at this age. You like to 'work' on things with your tool set and dance to music on the cd player. You also like to play your Leapster (Pet Pals mostly), Thomas the Train, and Polly Pocket and the Disney Princesses. And of course, you love to play with your "best friend" Madision at preschool and at church.

You watch Nick Jr. on television more than Disney Channel (though you are still fond of Handy Manny). Your favorite shows seem to be Yo Gabba Gabba (I call that show 'Seseme Street on drugs'....weeeeird...), Ni Hao Kai Lan, Dora the Explorer and The Upside Down Show.

You still love to play with "Pirate Pete" (the pirate puppet Daddy uses to tell you stories at night) and can't go anywhere without your blankie ("the pink one with the curly things on it"). Some days I look at you being so grown up and so loving and I wonder if that Miss Hyde I saw earlier in the week was just a figment of my imagination.

And then I hear a frustrated, angry scream from the other room....I roll my eyes, and say "Here we go again..."