Obsessions: Part Two

Earlier I posted about your obsession with the Doodlebops. Interestingly enough, that obsession has waned in it's intensity quite a bit over the past few months. You still request Doodlebops videos from time to time, but it's much more managable.

I've observed several other obsessions this week that got me thinking. Number one has to be your blankie(s). I put plural on the end of that because one is never enough. Two is a bare minimum and the more the better. You are picky about your blankies - they aren't really blankets at all but those little hooded terrycloth towels that they sell at Wal-Mart. Pink is the color of choice, but pattern doesn't seem to matter so much. Sometimes you tote around so many of them at once that you can barely walk. They are your comfort when you get a boo boo or get upset, they are a requirement for going to sleep. You use them to clean things, wipe your face (whether that means chocolate or tears), swaddle baby dolls, and you are known to ball them up into a makeshift pillow when riding in the car seat. Not having a blanket has caused many trips to be cut short, as we returned home to fetch one, and once we even made an emergency Super Wal-Mart trip just to get a blankie.

Another obsession is with rubber bouncy balls. Unfortunately every restaurant seems to have a quarter operated machine that vends these pesky toys right at the entrance, so I have little hope of escaping without either buying yet another ball, or facing a tantrum. I'm afraid I'm often just too much of a softy on that point. In any case, any time mommy doesn't give in, there's usually some church person who can't resist adding to the collection. Our favorite Mexican restaurant in Ahoskie, Los Amigos, has such a ball machine, and I think as I type this I can spot at least 5 balls from that particular machine scattered across the living room floor. You just love them - throwing them and yelling "catch!" Using them in your shape sorter or the ball shoot on your Fisher Price play house...

Other obsessions that come to mind include:

• cleanliness - you can't stand to have anything on your hands or face
• shoes - you love to put them on, whether yours or other peoples'
• ice - if anyone crunches on a piece of ice, watch out! You'll be begging for some in no time.
• Elmo - what two-year-old ISN'T obsessed with Elmo?
• water - especially splashing in it, whether in the sink, the tub, or the pool
• swinging - it is the ONLY thing you want to do when we go to the park
• Jessica - your "DeDa" as you call her takes priority over everyone else
• action figures - specifically your Daddy's old 1980's figures, some of which he lets you play with in the "Man-man" closet.
  

I don't know if you just have a little streak of obsessive compulsive in you (your Uncle Joe certainly did when he was little) or if it's just another manifestation of your strong personality. Most of the time, these are just endearing quirks - sometimes, they can be real battle issues, and often are the source of the few temper tantrums you actually throw. I wonder how many of these intense "likes" will remain with you as you grow older.

Obsession

Obsessions are interesting things. Case in point: your current obsession with the Doodlebops has become a family obsession by proxy. For those who may not be "in the know" with what is "hip" in the world of preschool educational/entertainment television, the Doodlebops are a musical band consisting of three memebers - Dedee Doodle, Rooney Doodle, and Moe Doodle. These characters although played by human actors, wear make up and costumes that make them resemble puppets [including full body paint to make them more colorful and puppet-like hands (gloves) and cartoonish hair (wigs)]. They sing a variety of songs about topics such as getting along, the importance of exercise, how to deal with your temper, trying new things, dealing with impatience about growing up, the value of asking questions, and a myriad of other topics. Like most preschool shows it has a lot of repetative elements from show to show that the children learn about and come to expect. Your two favorites at the moment are "Where's Moe?" which is the question asked at the beginning of every show as the other two characters search around the house for him. The other is "Don't pull the rope!" which is what all the character say to Moe right before he pulls a red rope which causes water to dump on his head. You tickle me and your daddy to death when you stand there and pump your arm up and down and say "Don't pull the rope!"

So just how obsessed are you? We bought you a Doodlebops t-shirt at the beach on a whim because we knew you loved the show. As soon as you saw it you immediately wanted to put it on and wore it all day; you even cried when we took it off to put on your pajamas. It's now your favorite shirt and you would wear it every day if I gave you the option. You gasp with sheer delight when the show comes on and begin dancing around the room singing the opening song. It holds your attention from beginning to end. You find the remote and begin saying "T.V. .... Bops!" while pointing at the DVD case with the familiar trio on the front. You would watch the videos all day long I think (of course, we don't let you - for our sanity as much as your need to get outside and exercise!) And what to you want to listen to in the car? Doodlbops, of course.

So now your obssession has become our obsession. We look for the Doodlebops stuff everywhere and I think we've bought four DVDs so far (aren't we gluttons for punishment?) We know all the words to all the songs and can sing them whenever requested. We've read the forums online discusing who was a better manager "Mazz" or "Jazzmine" and which format is better, season 1 or season 2 - and those discussions have carried over to the dinner table. We check regularly to see when the Doodlebops Live tour is coming to our area. It's nuts! I don't know if we'll be sad or glad when you grow out of this Doodlebops phase... I think sad.... but till then we'll keep singing "Get on the Bus" and enjoy every minute.

Food Favorites

Food has always been an interesting subject for you. Since you first started eating baby food you’ve always had a taste for the unexpected. For months you were a veggie only girl – peas, green beans, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes were your standard fare. You weren’t interested in fruits at all and completely despised bananas and applesauce which made you a very atypical baby in the eyes of everyone I shared this fact with.

As you’ve gotten older and eat table food you still lean more toward veggies than sweets, like carrots, corn and peas. You are a chocoholic like me; thanks to Michelle Harrell at church introducing you to the wonder of M&Ms, you beg for those anytime you see a familiar looking package. And like most children, you love ice cream. You went through a McDonald’s chicken nuggets phase for a while, though you’ve gotten away from that recently. I guess just like the rest of us, you got tired of the same-old-same-old. You love apples, and that’s one of your favorite words. If someone opens the fridge you immediately ask, “Apple?” no matter what time of day or night. You also love rice, just like your daddy. Whether it’s fried rice from the Japanese or Chinese restaurant, or dirty rice from Bojangles, you’ve never met a grain you didn’t like. Macaroni and cheese has become a staple – sometimes it’s the only form of protein I can get you to eat. Hot dogs? Forget it… Chicken? Only if Mommy hides it in some rice… Hamburger? You gag… You love bread most of time, and green beans when the mood suits you. You’ll eat your Grandma Bryan’s spaghetti (who wouldn’t?) but no one elses.

You won’t touch cow’s milk in any form (you even turn your nose up at chocolate milk!) so I still give you the stage-two formula at night and I mix it in with your rice and fruit cereal in the mornings. I always worry you don’t get enough protein or calcium. Hopefully you’ll grow out of this milk aversion eventually. Fortunately, you are usually willing to try most anything once. This has resulted in you acquiring a taste for a lot of strange things – dill pickles, sour cream and onion/BBQ potato chips, Doritos, ranch dressing, popcorn… I guess like everything else, Petra, you are unique.

Boy has time flown!

You know, good intentions cannot compete with the demands for attention of a growing baby. I couldn't believe it had been a year since I posted, but raising you, Petra, is my number one priority, my number one occupation - everything else takes a backseat (some further back than others!). So I guess I'll do some backlogging for a few days and try to contain memories before they are lost to me.

Where are we now? You are 19 months old and have definitely started your "terrible twos" early. I don't know - they really aren't that terrible... You are independent minded to the extreme; wanting to do everything yourself, no matter how dangerous or difficult. "NO" is your favorite word at the moment, though your vocabulary seems to multiply daily. I am amazed at your quickness with language; being with your grandparents for a few weeks hasn't hurt. Let's see if I can make a quick list of some of your most said (and understandable) words:

• NO!
• mommy
• daddy
• mama/nana (can refer to either of the "grandma's"
• grandaddy
• dog
• meow
• hey
• bye bye
• sit down
• ouch
• boo boo
• ball
• shoes
• outside
• cheese
• fish
• Elmo
• ice (pronounced "i-sh")
• Doodlebops
• Ei-ei-oh
• tea
• thank you (pronounced "shank-oo"
• Amen! (at the end of the blessing over our food)
• where'd he go?
• there he is! (these last two are probably only understandable by family, but they are always in context of a game of peek-a-boo, so we're fairly confident that the translation is accurate!)

Well, that's a fair sampling. Your Grandma Bryan can translate a lot more of your gibberish than any of the rest of us, though I think perhaps some of it is a little wishful thinking on her part. Much of your speech has come by way of song. You are SOO musical - you only have to hear a tune once for you to start picking up on how it goes and trying to the best of your ability to imitate the words. I made a CD of your favorite songs, both from the television shows you love to watch and Bible songs your Daddy and I grew up on, and whenever we're in the car you sing song after song with such enthusiasm. Daddy and I are always in awe of how good your sense of pitch and timing is for such a little girl. You are nearly always right in tune with what you are singing, and your timing is never off. I guess some musical genes spliced together to create a little music genius.

You are becoming a climber, at least for the past few days anyway. As much as it fills me with dread to watch you turn the couch, recliner, and kitchen chairs into your own version of monkey bars, I am reminded of an article I read before you were born; just like the mother in that article, I don't want to stifle your adventurous spirit, your willingness to attempt challenges, to fail, and to try again out of an overzealous fear for your safety. Obviously there are limits - but a few bumps and bruises are a small price to pay for a daughter who isn't afraid to push herself, to take on the world with a determined grin and push the boundaries people might set for her, instead of a fearful little girl who hides behind her mommy's legs anticipating defeat at every turn because mommy taught her to be that way. I like your personality - even when you defiantly say "NO" to everything, even things you really want to say yes to (granted it makes my frustration level rise sometimes).

Be yourself Petra, and be loud about it. Don't let this world tell you what you can't do.

At three months old...

You are such a determined child. You don't like feeling your own limitations it seems. I read in a baby book that some babies are called 'active babies', and they tend not to be happy until they are mobile. I can see an element of that in you. You struggle so hard to sit up, even though your neck muscles aren't really strong enough to hold your head up for very long. You can't stand to be swaddled or confined in any way, especially in your car seat. We've expereienced several "meltdowns" because you couldn't stand be strapped down in that seat.

Your intelligence is so evident; you concentrate very intently on everything around you, whether that be other people or toys or just your surroundings. You are such an alert baby, and you love to smile and coo at everyone who stops to talk to you. You love the live music in church, though it often puts you to sleep. I hope you will be a musician someday. That is something that has brought your daddy and I so much joy and fulfillment, I want you to be a part of it too. Its amazing watching you try to talk as you coo and make other sweet sounds and work so hard at imitating the way our mouth moves when we talk to you. I can't wait to hear what's going on in that little head of yours.

I love you!

Joyful

Pretty Kitty 4
Originally uploaded by Girlcloud.

You amaze me more everyday. You have learned to do so many things in such a short amount of time. You hold your head up better everyday and you've started reaching out at objects around you. You've begun to explore the concept of play, and I can't wait for that to develop even more. You sleep through the night (most nights) and in the mornings, after your morning feeding, you and I snuggle together on the couch for a little extra shut-eye. Its a special time for just the two of us to enjoy a sweet closeness before the routine of the day begins.

I love the way you try to imitate my facial expressions. Your smile could melt anyone's heart - it is so full of unfettered joy and innocence. You show happiness with your whole body: eyes, mouth, arms, legs...its like a spasm of glee. I wish I could keep that aspect of your personality untouched forever. It is the carefree happiness of an infant who knows nothing of responsibilities, worries, fear, or doubt.

You are so accepting of everyone you meet; greeting perfect strangers with dazzling smiles that say 'I'm so happy to see you, whoever you are.' Would that we were all so welcoming to those around us we don't know. I'm sure there will come a time when I will want you to look at strangers with suspicion, but the fact that you don't now speaks to me as to how I should take people upon first meeting: assume everyone is a potential friend.

Happy Birthday

Mommy & Petra
Originally uploaded by Girlcloud.

You're here...finally...truly...

It was a long and difficulte journey. I didn't know I'd have to have a C-section, or that you would have some difficulties with meconium before you were born. I couldn't have ever dreamed you'd weigh 9 lbs. 3 oz. or that you'd have so much hair!

I feel so ill-prepared. Nothing I've read, nothing anyone told me has prepared me for this exhilerating, frightening, amazing moment. Our family is no longer 'just us two.' Three human beings make up our circle of love now. You aren't just a little sensation in my belly anymore - you are a little person with needs, wants, emotions, expressions, and personality. I didn't anticipate how clearly I would see that personality nor how soon. You are a people-person already; you always want to be held and talked to, and you hate being left alone, even when you're sleeping. You don't curl up in the fetal position like most newborns...you stretch out, sometimes as straight as a board when you're upset. Your little cry is so funny, yet it tugs at my heartstrings immediately. I didn't know how much your cry would affect me. It motivates me to act at once - I can't delay a second in trying to find out what is wrong and how I can fix it.

What amazes me most is how much I can love someone I just met.

Your Nursery

We've been working hard on your nursery these past couple of weeks. I've been painting a mural on three of the four walls. The theme is 'carousel in the clouds' and there are carousel animals (a horse, a zebra, a swan, and a giraffe) on two walls surrounded by fluffy clouds. On the small section of wall next to your crib I have painted a large moon with a little girl angel sitting in the crook of the moon surrounded by clouds and stars. I'm really pleased with how things have turned out.

This past weekend your Grammy, your daddy, and I went to pick out the furnishings for the nursery. It was a big adventure to say the least. In the end we picked out some very pretty furniture that is a little lighter than a cherry color. The crib is convertible so you can use it as a toddler bed and as a full-size bed. The style to me is very elegant and feminine, so I hope you'll love it for a long time to come. We couldn't get the matching changing table yet - there was just no room for it in Grammy's Blazer! Grammy said she would get it before she comes back to visit at the end of August, so no worries there. The curtains were put up too....they are so very pretty! They are sky blue shears with white clouds all over them. Grammy tied up the valance with sparkling white ribbons, making them even more beautiful. I absolutely love them. When our friend Ruth gets a chance, she's going to paint clouds on your sky blue ceiling and then the room will be complete!

I can't wait for your arrival. I hope you love this nursery and can find joy and comfort and peace from the surroundings; your own private carousel in the clouds!

Making Your Presence Known

So many people had been asking me the question, "Have you felt the baby yet?" For the longest time, my answer was, "No, not yet." After enough people give me a shocked look when I said "no," I automatically started to worry, despite the fact that all the books I was reading told me many mothers didn't feel their babies move for several more weeks.

Finally one night when your daddy and I were lying in bed I felt a definite kick. It wasn't anything like the 'butterfly flutters' other mothers had told me your movements would feel like. There was no question in my mind at all that you were making your presence known in a major way. It was only a few days later that your daddy was actually able to feel you kicking too! You have made up for all those weeks of quietness by becoming a very acrobatic baby. Your kicks are always strong and frequent, especially in the evening when I'm relaxing in my recliner. Sometimes it feels like you do complete somersaults, which is a really odd sensation. It is very comforting to me when I feel you move, because its a reassurance that you are okay and growing and healthy. It also seems to make the entire experience that much more real. My growing stomach leaves no room for doubt in that department, but feeling your little movements makes it feel like you have a real identity and a unique personality that you are already trying to express.

So keep kicking my little soccer player!

IT'S A GIRL!!!

Wow! You have an identity now...Petra Sky Bryan. Today we had that important ultrasound to find out if you are a boy or girl....and you're a girl (at least there's an 80% chance you are!). Your daddy, my mom (Grammy) and your daddy's mom (Grandma) and dad (Grandpa) were all there when the ultrasound was done. You were all curled up in a little ball sleeping when we started, but a little poking and prodding soon had you moving around, scratching the side of your head and, of course, crossing your legs! Eventually the technician, Pam, said she was 80% sure you are a girl. She said everything looked very healthy and from her measurments you are about 13 oz. in size.

I'm so excited to be able to put a name to this little bundle inside me now...and we can also start picking out clothes and toys and things for you. That will be lots of fun. Your daddy is thrilled that he's going to have a 'daddy's girl' and I'm so happy too. Even though I had thought a lot about having a boy, I see what a great relationship I have with my own mother now that I'm older and I look forward to having that with you too.

I love you, Petra Sky...

Girl or Boy?

This Friday, if all goes well (and you cooperate!) your Daddy and I will be going for an ultrasound that will hopefully tell us whether you are a girl or a boy. Both of us are so excited just to be able to finally call you by name (Luke or Petra) instead of constantly referring to you as 'the baby' or 'her or him'. Also it will mean we'll be able to start looking for clothes and other gender specific things to add to our baby registry so when loved ones shop for our upcoming baby showers they can get you lots of nice things!

We will be happy if you are just healthy, no matter what you are, but deep down I really hope you are a boy. I've always had a better connection it seems with the men in my life, and I guess the thoughts of you being a boy intimidate me a little less. I wonder if I could handle another hormonal, emotional female in the house. Your Daddy really hopes you are a girl though. He always had a lot of good friends who were girls, and he spent a lot of time growing up around his female relatives. I guess he's wishing out of his feelings of comfort then too. No matter what, I am so excited to see what kind of amazing and unique personality God will bless you with and how much you really are a combination of me and your daddy. I hope you have his peace-making abilities, his people skills, and his positive attitude. I hope you have my love for reading and learning, my creativity, and my tenacity. Most of all I hope you inherit from both of us a love for Christ that will far outstretch anything else you do.

I love you...

Understanding the Unexplainable

Your daddy and I have experienced some difficult situations at the church these past few weeks, both of them dealing with the deaths of family members of our church people. The first one was the hardest because we had to comfort a young couple who had just lost their first baby. The baby was born premature and despite the best efforts of the doctors, she didn't make it. It was so heartrending to sit with that young mother as she held her lifeless child in her arms. You would have been proud of your daddy -- he did such an amazing job of comforting the mom and dad and saying all the right things to let them know that grief was okay, denial was okay, and even getting angry at God was okay. He even held the little baby for awhile because the mother asked him to. I guess she wanted someone to treat her little child as a baby and not an object.

As I sat there quietly, I thought of you and prayed desperately for your health and safety. I know that woman made some bad choices during her pregnancy that may have contributed to the death of her child, and I hope I'm doing all the right things for you -- watching what I eat and drink, being careful as to the activities I do, trying (semi-successfully) to get more sleep... Emotionally, afterward when we were leaving the hospital, I was really torn up. Your daddy comforted me and took me to dinner where we tried as best we could to erase the painful image from our mind.

Pain and grief are inevitable parts of life. Sometimes we can understand and pinpoint the cause, whether it be our own bad choices or the choices of others. Sometimes pain is not so easily explained -- bad things do happen to good people, to people who love and serve the Lord with all their hearts, to people who don't deserve it. We cannot reason those things away with religious cliches or hollow explanations. Suffice it to say that God is omnipotent and we are not. He does not bring suffering upon us, but He sometimes does allow it to touch us. The reasons for unexplainable suffering will remain beyond our grasp until that day when we see Him face to face and all things become clear. Until we can see our role, and the role of our pain, in the greater scheme of things, we have to work through our grief to the place where we can trust again.

I love you, little one.

Baby's First Pictures

We got to see you for the first time today!

Our exciting day began at 8:00 in the morning when your daddy and I arrived at Dr. Jones' office. My mom came too; she couldn't stand being left out of the big event. We waited for a good while before we were taken to the ultrasound room. The technician's name was Pam and we found out she was actually our neighbor. She was very nice.

They tried to do an ultrasound using the wand on my belly first, but you weren't developed enough for that method to work, so they decided to do a vaginal ultrasound. I was a little nervous, but it ended up not being too uncomfortable. It was only a matter of seconds later and there you were on the screen in front of me! You were only the size of a butterbean and it was pretty much impossible to make out any features, but it was still you, and I was so happy to see the life that was being created inside me firsthand.

The most amazing part was when she turned up the sound and we were all able to hear your heartbeat. My mom was estatic -- I thought she was going to dance around the room she was so giddy. Your daddy was smiling from ear to ear, and he kept saying "Wow! Can you believe it?" It was so cool. The reality of you really hit home. I can't wait for the next ultrasound when we will find out if you are a boy or a girl, and will get to see more of your features.

I love you already....I can't wait to see you in person.

The Temptations of Fisher Price

What a good baby you are already! *grin* Well, at least you haven't made me sick at all, and for that I am very thankful. My mom has decided she wants you to call her 'Grammy'...I guess since she bought you your first baby blanket she figures she has first-dibs on grandmother names.

Your daddy and I have been looking at strollers and cribs and all sorts of baby toys and equipment all week. It is fascinating how many things exist now for babies that didn't exist when we were little. Like exersaucers for example; we used to have walkers which looked a lot like exersaucers except they had wheels on them and the baby could scoot around the house while they developed their leg strength and coordination. I don't really know why they phased walkers out; someone said they heard they were dangerous. Of course, lots of things become dangerous with passing generations that previous generations didn't give a second thought. Another interesting invention we looked at was called a Bopppy. This is apparently a pillow that can be used to support the baby when the mother is feeding or to help the baby learn how to sit up. I guess our parents were terribly deprived since they had to rely on pure arm strength and propped us up against pillows when we were learning to sit up.

I guess on reflection, there are many things that I will want you to have because I want you to have the best of everything. But at the same time, if you don't have every new contraption or invention designed to speed your development, that won't mean you won't grow up to be just as happy, healthy, and intelligent as anyone else. Its good to have perspective - especially when you walk down isle after isle of muticolored Fisher-Price gadgets at Toys R' Us. :-)

Welcome to the family...

Finally! Finally you are here....heaven-sent little life that will be with me every second of every day for the next eight months. I am so amazed at the happiness you can inspire even though you are still unseen.

Your daddy and I went to the doctor yesterday (February 10, 2005) to confirm what we already were pretty about. A little lab work later and the doctor was congratulating us. He said you were already 4 weeks old. It leaves me speechless! In just 4 more weeks we will be able to hear your heartbeat, and that really excites me.

Your Grandma McKay is taking to the news very well. She even emailed me this morning to tell me she had already bought something for you! I think you are going to be very spoiled. Your Grandma Bryan is beside herself she is so happy and your daddy's Aunt Katherine is hoping that you are twins! I'll admit, I laughed a little nervously at that thought....but whatever happens, I am happy. You've brought me so much contentment, little one. I feel satisfied, more so than perhaps ever before.

You've had other effects on me as well. Mexican food, which used to be my favorite, is really unappealing to me at the moment. Practically anything spicy isn't on my list of favorite things anymore. And I do feel sleepy a lot, but that's okay -- its a good reason to nap! Your daddy now has the unpleasant task of cleaning out Xena-cat's litter box for the next 8 months, and I'll admit I feel no small amount of amusement over that.

Let me tell you funny story that happened the other night concerning that cat. We were all sitting in that tiny little living room we have in the house on Clearwater Drive, and we were talking about you and how excited we were. Your daddy looked at our little Pembroke Welsh Corgi, Abigail, and said, "Abigail, you're going to be a sister!" Xena-cat looked at him as if she were offended, and then jumped in my lap, put her paws on my tummy and bowed her head, in the absolute picture of a prayer! She stayed that way for nearly a minute...it really looked like she was praying over you. Well, if animals can talk to God (why not?) I think my dear little kitty was sending good emotions toward you. Funny, huh?

A Picture Speaks a Thousand Words

Good News
Originally uploaded by Girlcloud.

Happiness...joy...expectation...excitement...amazement...

I will always support you. Even when your decisions are ones I don't understand or when they take you far away from me. If you tell me the decision you're making is something you've prayed hard about and sought God's will about, if you feel certain that He has given you clarity about the decision, then I will be behind you 100%. Sometimes it may be very hard -- I may think I know what's best for you, and I may think you haven't thought things through the way I have. But some lessons can only be learned by experiencing them, and I may not always be right about what God's future holds for you. If I try to hide my crying-eyes, and my "stiff upper lip" seems to tremble, you must forgive me...I love you and I want you near me and safe. But I'll let you fly free.

Just never forget how to fly home when your wings are tired.

Control Freak

It's been a long time since I've written. I'll admit it...I'm discouraged. We've been trying to get pregnant for more than five months now. I know, I know - that's a drop in the bucket when you consider people who have tried for years to get pregnant without success. I guess I had always assumed it would be easy. My mom had no trouble at all; every time she stopped taking birth control she immediately got pregnant. But I have to be reassured that God has all of our best interests at heart and His timing will ultimately be perfect.

I've been thinking a lot about our relationship in the future, mostly because of recent issues I have seen some of my friends facing in their own relationships with their mothers. Controlling, manipulative, or hypocritical women seem to make up a large and unsettling percentage of this generation of mothers. One of my friends went away as a missionary for two years before coming home to finish college. Her parents offered to help her pay for her college and let her live at home to help her out financially. Her mother has since become very controlling - wanting her to spend all her time with her family and very little to no time with friends or her boyfriend. Her mother gives her guilt over the money they are spending, and is evasive any time she tries to have a sit-down discussion about the tension that is growing between them.

Another friend's mother is being very hypocritical about her faith. As my friend struggles with her own spirituality, she is grieved by the way her mom isn't the spiritual role model she needs at this time in her life. Her mother is even jealous of spiritual mentors she's adopted in an attempt to fill in this void. I don't know if its just mothers and daughters particularly that face these battles, or what.

I wonder what I can do to not be so controlling. Being a control freak comes pretty naturally to me. My mom is a domineering type person and I inherited that first-born tendency from her. I know I will want to push you in certain directions, wanting "what's best for you," but I have to remember to honor your individuality and let you make decisions for yourself and deal with their consequences. I also can't live my life vicariously through you. Though I would love for you to be talented in music and become a member of the school band or orchestra, that is my dream...yours may be very different. I hope you and I develop a friendship as you grow older that you will feel like I can be your mentor and your companion in life. Though it will be hard, I hope I can let you have your space (like my mom has so lovingly let me had mine) so coming home will be a welcome visit, not an obligation. Most of all, I pray fervently that I will be a strong Christian role model to you - that you can follow me as I follow Christ. I hope there will be many people in life that will guide you and mentor you in your faith. I will be willing to share.

Paying attention to the signs in your life...

Not pregnant. Yet another reason to not like “that time of the month.” But God’s will be done, not mine. He sees all things, past, present, and future and He knows what is best for me and you.

The signs in my life are getting pretty loud that this is the time. Your daddy’s cousin Lisa came to visit us this weekend and brought her two kids. Little Katy is only a few months old. She is such a content little baby – never crying unless she’s hungry or really, really tired. I hope you will be that way. I think it would break my heart if you were upset a lot and I was never really sure why. Maybe that’s just the nervous mommy in me speaking. I want everything to be perfect for you. Sometimes your daddy acts really scared about the whole concept and other times he’s just so at ease. This weekend he played with little Katy as if he was a natural at the whole thing. Of course, one of the signs that this is ally going to be fine is how well he gets along with children and children with him. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a toddler or baby who wasn’t drawn to him, or that he couldn’t make smile or laugh. I understand that – he has that effect on me too.

I really enjoyed being with Samuel and Katy (Lisa’s kids). Sam is really rambunctious, but his imagination and his way of expressing himself are so amazing. Katy was so content no matter who was holding her, so I held her for awhile. What a feeling to cradle a God-given miracle in my arms…to feel her breathing, to see her little movements and facial expressions. I want to experience that for myself in you, my child-unborn.

Another sign I’m paying attention to is how much our parents are ready to be grandparents. I guess its most obvious with your daddy’s mom and dad. They both are so drawn to babies. If there’s one to be held, then she is usually holding it. My mom is little less obvious, but the way she makes so much over my cousin’s children, I know she will be an awesome grandma too. And my dad, well, I’ve never had any doubt he would make the perfect granddaddy. That leads me to another sign: as much as I’d like to ignore it, my parents and my parents-in-law are getting older. I want you to know the joy of having two sets of grandparents to love you, and teach you things, and spoil you! I only had my grandma and granddaddy, and now I just have grandma. I want her to know you too…and I want you to get to meet your daddy’s grandparents too.

So all the signs point to the same conclusion…its time.

Turn Back the Clock

In the fall; what hour of my life would you most like to relive as you turn the clock backward ?

It's almost time to turn back the clocks for daylight savings time. It makes me reflect on the idea of what hour of my life I would most like to relive if I could turn back time as easily as I turn back the clock.

There are several hours that come up in my memory as favorites. Times spent with friends and family...special moments of accomplishment...special moments in my walk with the Lord where I received particular blessings, or was able to help others to receive from the Lord...a moment of discovery when I came to realize I was important to someone...

But the most wonderful hour of my life was the hour I spent with your daddy the day he asked me to marry him. It was my birthday. I had come to his house to spend some time with him before we went out to eat with my family. He asked me to come into the living room and sit with him on the couch. I figured he was going to give me my birthday presents so I didn't think anything of it. He pulls out a letter I had written him a long time ago. In the letter, there was a sentence that said, "I hope someday I can be Mrs. ________. You can fill in the blank." He pulls out a pen and proceeds to fill in the blank. Before I could even realize what was happening, he was down on one knee, with a ring box in his hand, asking me to be Mrs. Bryan. I was so happy I cried. He did too! It really was a dream come true for me.

I pray right now that God will prepare the person that will become your future spouse -- that they will be the man or woman of God you need them to be, and that they would become that person of love, faith, and integrity that you deserve.