For My Child

Too Grown Up, Too Fast

2010-05-06T12:26:00.000-07:00

I never imagined you would be so mature so quickly. How can a four year old possibly wrap her mind around the eternal questions you have been considering of late. Ever since your Granddaddy died, you have talked a lot about the concepts of heaven and hell and death. You try to be a little consoler, reminding me and Grammy any time you can that when we see Granddaddy in heaven, we won’t be sad anymore. You like to describe in vivid preschooler detail how joyous that reunion will be. You say things like, “Mommy, I know you are sad now. But when you get to heaven you will hug Granddaddy so tight and you will be so happy. You should think about that Mommy, when you feel sad.” You tell Grammy you can see Granddaddy waving in the clouds, or blowing kisses to you both when you are driving in the car together. Once you even told Grammy that he told you to tell her he loved her very much. You talk to me about how much you miss him and how he is your favorite Granddaddy. We cry together sometimes.

You worry about these things too much. No child should ever have to question these kinds of things. You shouldn’t have to comfort me. You shouldn’t have to play the part of a little adult because the adults around you are so damaged.

My heart just constricts when I think about your premature concerns of your own eternal destiny. You worry that you “do too many bad things to go to heaven.” You have even started blaming yourself for your Daddy’s depression, saying if you weren’t such a “bad person” your Daddy wouldn’t be sad all the time…that he wouldn’t be upset. I tell you over and over again that these things aren’t true. I remind you that you have asked Jesus into your heart, that you know He died on the cross for your sins, and that He is alive. (Maybe I haven’t done a good enough job of letting you see how truly salvation is through Him, and Him alone – that our works, good or bad, do not determine our relationship with the Father. Is it a curse of our holiness upbringing that all our children live in fear of the rapture/death because they never think they are good enough?) And I adamantly tell you every time the topic arises that your Daddy’s illness has nothing to do with you. I’m not sure you are listening.

Instead you are probably taking in the tense, stressed out faces of your mommy and daddy as they deal with the symptoms of a mental illness that has already claimed the life of one family member. You watch Grandma and Granddaddy Bryan work a little too hard to keep everything appearing normal. You see through the façade of “everything is fine” when you visit Grammy’s house and instead pick up on the nearly suffocating grief that seems to permeate everything in that lonely place. Words of comfort mean little coming from adults who are searching for comfort and answers themselves.

I’m sorry you have to go through this period of confusion with us, little girl. I pray and pray and pray that you aren’t being irreparably damaged by it all. I pray for God to give me strength patience and wisdom to answer all your questions the right way, and to pick up on the things you aren’t saying too, so your fears can been diminished. Someday soon we will all feel secure again…the world won’t be upside down forever. I can’t wait for that day.

Missing My Little One

2010-03-16T06:51:00.000-07:00

I want to set the record straight on something. I HATE being away from you, Petra Sky.

Ever since you and daddy started staying with Grandma and Grandaddy, and I've been forced to stay here in Henderson so I can finish out my time at my current job, I have been a miserable mommy. I miss you more than you can ever imagine. I stand in your room sometimes and choke back tears because I feel like a part of me is missing. I can't imagine what it must be like for parents who are divorced and this is the way it is all the time - only seeing their children on the weekends. It's just not worth it! I feel like you are growing up without me, even though it's only been a very short time. Your sweet little voice on the telephone makes my heart ache. When we are together on the weekends, I love cuddling up to you and holding you. I love all the kisses you give so freely.

This whole process is hard on you, and that hurts me too. You don't understand why I have to be away from you and daddy. You don't understand why we had to leave our home and why we still haven't found a 'new house'. You don't understand why daddy is sad all the time or why mommy can't play with you sometimes because she has to spend time 'helping' him feel better. How can I explain depression to a four-year-old? How can I explain a struggling economy, or job loss, or a bad real estate market? I try. I try hard. I tell you that it's not your fault. You haven't done anything wrong. You are good and smart and wonderful and beautiful and things won't always be like this. We won't always be apart.

I promise.

Moving is Hard to Do

2010-03-04T06:34:00.000-08:00

Moving. It seems to be the story of my life, but I really had hoped it wouldn't be the story of yours.

When we came to South Henderson, I really had thought this was going to be someplace we could be long term. The church has been such a good fit for all of us - you included. I remember when we first came and you were SO shy. You wouldn't talk to anyone, you hid behind my legs in apparent terror when anyone tried to speak to you. I was really worried that you would never really adapt to this big new world with so many strangers in it.

But you have adapted...beautifully. You love your Wednesday night Rainbows teachers, Ms. Shelia, Ms. Kathy, and Ms. Heather. You love all the ladies on the Kings Kids teacher rotation. You made a very special friendship with our Senior's Pastor's wife, Ms. Peggy. You have played with Pastor Rhonda and the secretary Ms. Jeannene. And you've even come to love and accept many of the teenagers (I think our drummer, Adam, will always be your image of 'Prince Charming'!)

Of course you've been blessed with friends your age as well. Madision is your best friend - you two are inseparable at church. At times the promise of seeing Madision was the only thing that would get you out of the bed in the morning (my little night owl!). You have grown to love the children in your class at Great Beginnings. You call Kyra and Sierra your 'sisters' and have told me rather definitively that you are going to marry R.J. when you both get 'grown up.' Daycare was another thing I had worried about, but you showed me just how adaptable you can be.

Now we're moving. It wasn't something we wanted. It's very hard on all of us to let go of these wonderful relationships we've built here. You are pretty ticked off about the whole thing: "Why do we have to move?" "But I like our house!" "I'm going to miss my friends in Ms. Twanda's class..." "I don't want to go to a new church!" "Are they (all the church people) coming with us?" One of the sweetest - and most heartbreaking - things you have said came up when I offered to paint your bedroom pink when we move into a new house. You said, "Well, that's okay, but I want you to paint a picture of me and Madision and Adam and Brittany on the wall. We will all be princesses, except for Adam. He can be a prince because he's a boy." Every time I think about that I tear up.

It's been hard for you since my daddy died and through all the emotional roller coaster since. You don't understand why mommy and daddy are sad so much. You don't understand why you and daddy are staying with Grandma and Grandaddy, while I have to keep working in Henderson during the week. It's tough. I hate being away from you more than you can even imagine. When I get to come to Sanford on the weekends, I don't want to ever let you go. I am trying to look back at how well you adapted to our new life in Henderson and believe that God will help you to have the same reseliancy in our new life in Sanford. I think it will help that we will be close to Grammy and Grandma and Grandaddy and all of our extended family.

Being a pastor's kid just doesn't lend itself to the stability that I had when I was growing up. I don't remember the first house I lived in. I've seen pictures of it - a trailer in Hearn's Mobile Home Park at the end of MeMa's road. All of my memories are tied up in the home that Grammy lives in now - where I lived from the time I was 3 years old until I graduated from high school. Your daddy on the other hand lived in several different places growing up - Pembroke, Chocawinity, Fayettville, and Sanford. I can't say that one way of growing up is better than the other. I just hope that God will help me to always create postive experiences whenever we have to move. I also hope that you will learn as you grow older that home is where your family is, no matter what town that may be and Christ is our stability at all times, no matter what changes we face.

So let's start packing!

We Will Remember

2009-12-31T16:18:00.001-08:00

Petra, I never imagined having to write this. I never imagined that I would have to make an effort to help you remember one of your grandparents. I just thought all of them would be there for you for the better part of your life. That they would watch you in dance recitals or ball games, concerts and plays...that they would watch you graduate and walk down the aisle to be married someday. The only reason they wouldn't see those things, in my naive mind was if the Lord came back and raptured us all home before those things occurred. Never, ever did I consider that one of them would die before you were even old enough to really remember them.

But here we are.

Your Grandaddy, "Grammy's Grandaddy" as you like to distinguish him, my Daddy, died on December 7, 2009. This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. There is no comparison to be made to this kind of grief. I know if the Lord tarries, you will have to go through it someday - I pray earnestly that it will not be this sudden and more than that, that it will not be under such traumatizing circumstances. Someday perhaps I can go into the details of how Grandaddy died. I just can't do it right now...not in this post. This post is about my commitment to you to help you remember someone who should never be forgotten.

Your Grandaddy was the strongest man I have ever known. He was the one who could always be counted on in every situation. If something needed to be done, if there was a crisis staring you in the face, he was our anchor. My mom, your Grammy, always has had the reputation of being the 'strong one' in her family. But I saw the truth of the matter - she was strong, but he was her rock. He took care of everyone...me and my brother, Grammy, MeMa, and really even his sister-in-laws knew they could count on him when they needed anything.

He was a man of integrity - a hard worker who gained the respect of all of his coworkers and those who worked under him. Everyone who was touched by his life was changed for the better. His work ethic was second to none and the bar he raised on every task was often a hard one to live up to. No one kept a more immaculate car or yard. No house was better maintained. So much of his identity was wrapped up in what he did and how well he did it. He was a perfectionist, no doubt about it.

But I also remember the tender love he always showed to our family. He was never hesitant to tell you he loved you, to wrap you up in a strong hug, or kiss you on the cheek. He worked hard, but those times we did get to spend together he never held back in showing us how much he cared about us. I remember playing tag in the yard with him, or shooting hoops at the end of the driveway. I remember baking him little cakes with my Easy Bake oven which he would always eat and tell me how good they were, no matter how badly mixed or how runny the icing. He was always there and it was his presence that made me always feel safe and loved. He worked a lot - too much really. But the times that it mattered the most, he was there. He was there, and now I admit I feel very lost at the thought that he isn't anymore.

Oh, how he loved you. You were his first grandchild and the only one I am to sad to say he ever knew. He loved you and showed a reckless childlike abandon when he spent time with you. He would roll around on the floor with you, play hide and seek, make funny voices for dolls and stuffed animals. You would jump out from behind his recliner and yell, "Boo!" and he would jump and make a big deal out of pretending to be scared. You spent a lot of time outside together, watering the garden or playing on the swingset. You would play in the sand box for hours, and he never seemed to mind you dumping play sand all over the yard (Uncle Joe nor I could have ever gotten away with that!).

They had a big playground at Lakewood Campground at Myrtle Beach where we would all go together. I have such great memories of you and Grandaddy running around that playground, or playing in the arcade. He went and bought cereal so you could feed the ducks.

I also remember the two of you playing in the leaves. You were the only person ever allowed to mess up his leaf piles. One time we were staying at Grammy and Grandaddy's house and I heard you doing something in their bathroom at the back of the house. When I went back there to check on you, there you were standing in the shower surrounded by piles of unrolled toliet paper, Grandaddy standing over you grinning. I started to scold you, but he interrupted me, saying, "Oh, it don't matter. We'll just buy some more at Sam's." My mouth dropped open. Where was my spend-thrift dad? He'd somehow been replaced by a ready-to-spoil grandaddy.

You are going to miss out on so much with him gone. I hope I can keep the memories of him alive in you. I don't want you to ever forget.

Christmas is not about wrapping paper and bows...

2009-12-03T07:24:00.001-08:00

We were heading home from church last night, just the two of us in the car. Daddy was home sick - bronchitis, the poor thing. I hope you don't inherit his propensity to catch upper respirator type infections...he gets twice as many as I do, I think. You were 'oohing' and 'aaahhhing' over all the Christmas lights we passed. I'm enjoying the fact that this Christmas season you are really able to take in and enjoy some of those little things for the first time. We took you to see Christmas lights before, but you seemed only briefly fascinated. I think we'll have to plan a special Christmas-light-viewing-outing this year.

There are a lot of traditions for you to enjoy during the holidays. Before our big family get-togethers on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, we have some traditions we follow throughout the month of December. We have a felt count-down-to-Christmas calendar that we use to build excitement through the weeks leading up to Christmas. There are Christmas plays and musicals at church to plan for, practice for, and enjoy. When we are home, we always try to watch a lot of Christmas movies during December. Daddy is all about finding that radio station that plays 24-hour Christmas carols to listen to in the car. We love to shop for our family members and really take the time to buy them things that reflect their individual personalities, not just what the 'hot' item might be that year. I am hoping you and I can start some new traditions of our own as well. I want you and I to make some Christmas cookies together, and make some homemade Christmas cards for the granparents. I'm even optimistically thinking you might be able to help me wrap some of the gifts. Granted they won't be as "perfect" as I used to make my gifts look when I first got married, but I don't think that matters.

Boy, did I obsess over the package trimming those first couple of years though. Clothing had to be placed in tissue paper before it went in the box....wrapping paper had to be unique and elegant....every package had to have ribbon wrapped fancifully around it. I made my own bows or embellished store bought ones. Once I started teaching full-time life got a lot busier and ministry responsibilities around the holidays became more intense. Soon I had stopped worrying so much about the look of the package on the outside and became more concerned on what was on the inside. By the time I had you, well....let's just say last year the packages just did have cheap little stick on bows and more than half of the gifts ended up in gift bags. I have to chuckle when I think about it. All that fanciful wrapping usually got crushed or messed up when we had to pack all those gifts into the trunk of our little car for the 3+ hour drive back to Sanford. And even the ones that did survive the trip were destroyed in 0.5 seconds of excitement.

So that's my life lesson for today, I suppose; don't obsess so much on the outer trappings, whether in Christmas or just in life in general. It's what is inside that counts.

The Frustrating But Fascinating Fours

2009-11-18T06:02:00.000-08:00

Everyone talks about the 'terrible twos' and the 'trying threes'...now I've coined a new expression - the 'frustrating fours'. You really weren't that bad at two or three. A tantrum here and there, but overall nothing that overwhelming. Now I'm beginning to think you saved it all up until now.

In the past month you have become argumentative, defiant, irrational and often hysterical. It takes little to no provocation to send you right on over the deep end. The tantrums you had at 2 and 3 resemble mild spring showers compared to the hurricane force meltdowns you have now. You have mood swings like a pendulum - one minute it's "I love you so much mommy! You are my best friend!"....the next minute it's "Don't say that to me! Leave me alone! I'm going to my room!" I think a lot of it seems to be connected with how much down time you have at home. Days when we aren't home very much because of school and church responsibilities, you seem to do worse. Yesterday, when we were home all afternoon and evening, you did great and were as sweet as sugar all day. I guess I have to adjust to the fact that you are going to need more time at home to 'download' all that's going on in that little head of yours and the old break-neck paced schedule that worked when you were smaller may not be viable now.

That's not to say you haven't matured in some other areas. Your vocabulary continues to astound and you sound like a little adult in your conversation a lot of the time. I've been really proud of the way your grasp of spiritual concepts has been improving. You really seem to have a good hold on the concepts of 'sin' and why Jesus died on the cross to erase those sins. You have started apologizing on your own for bad behavior, without being prompted (some of the time anyway) and you even ask me to pray with you that God would forgive you too. I'm so proud of that. On your good days, you seem to be more considerate of other people's feelings than you used to be. I hope that's a sign that you are starting to grow out of the whole 'the world revolves around me' stage and start being more social and willing to share.

You are into so many things....you are a good artist; you draw pictures of people much better than I think I ever did at this age. You like to 'work' on things with your tool set and dance to music on the cd player. You also like to play your Leapster (Pet Pals mostly), Thomas the Train, and Polly Pocket and the Disney Princesses. And of course, you love to play with your "best friend" Madision at preschool and at church.

You watch Nick Jr. on television more than Disney Channel (though you are still fond of Handy Manny). Your favorite shows seem to be Yo Gabba Gabba (I call that show 'Seseme Street on drugs'....weeeeird...), Ni Hao Kai Lan, Dora the Explorer and The Upside Down Show.

You still love to play with "Pirate Pete" (the pirate puppet Daddy uses to tell you stories at night) and can't go anywhere without your blankie ("the pink one with the curly things on it"). Some days I look at you being so grown up and so loving and I wonder if that Miss Hyde I saw earlier in the week was just a figment of my imagination.

And then I hear a frustrated, angry scream from the other room....I roll my eyes, and say "Here we go again..."

Broken Hearted

2009-10-06T17:21:00.000-07:00

So it finally happened. I got a new job. I am the Granville County Schools transition teacher for Central Children's Home. It's part time - 8:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m., but that still means you are now going to daycare. You are in the 'Older Threes' class at Greater Beginnings Childcare Center. Your teacher is named Ms. Tiwanda and she is a really great lady - she definitely has a heart for your age group. You seem to have a good group of kids in your class; your teacher says this group is really a lot mellower than the group she had last year.

You and I have been working our way into this for a little while. The whole month of September we went to your class a few hours at a time together so you could get used to the kids and your teacher and the schedule they keep (I told the school system I couldn't start working until the end of the month for this very reason). You seemed to gradually get accustomed to things, but that very first day that I had to leave you was a heartbreaker.

You seemed to sense that something was up and acted more clingy than usual, so there was no sneaking away from you. When I tried to leave, you started screaming and crying and wrapped your arms and legs around my leg begging me not to go. I was devestated...how was I supposed to let you go? Feeling like the worst mother who had ever lived, I pried you off of my leg and handed you to Tiwana. As I turned away and started walking down the hall, one of the workers looked at me and my expression of anguish and said sympathetically, "She's gonna be okay, Mama." That was the last thing I needed to hear. The dam broke and I sobbed...I sat down in Michelle's office and sobbed and sobbed. They tried their best to comfort me, and told me that within minutes you were fine and playing with blocks, but it didn't help me. I cried all the way to the school, only pulling it together at the last minute so my supervisor didn't think I was crazy.

Since then you've done really well. You seem to enjoy being around other kids, especially now that your friend Madision is in your class. You still have a few moments that you seem reluctant to go, and I still harbor some latent feelings of guilt, but I think it's been a good experience so far. A lot of the church people have observed you have started really coming out of your shell and I think a lot of that can be attributed to being at Great Beginnings.

Let's just pray God can heal your mommy's broken heart.

A Different Experience

2009-08-22T09:56:00.000-07:00

I found out from a friend last night that the state has changed the rules this year concerning the cutoff date for children starting school. For many years the date was in fact your birthday - October 15. This year, they changed the date to August 25. So just because of this change, you won't be able to start pre-K this year. Not only that, but when you start kindergarten you will be nearly six years old.

What's the big deal? Basically, I think you are ready now. I started kindergarten when I was 4 (back in the days before there was a such thing as pre-K) and under the current rules, I wouldn't have been able to do so. I guess I had just always assumed you would follow in my footsteps in this respect. I graduated at 17; you will be nearly 19. I was one of the youngest kids in my classes, you'll be one of the oldest.

How will this affect you? I'm really not sure. Will elementary school be a little easier because you will be more emotionally mature? Will you get bored because you are intellectually ahead of some other kids? When you become a teen, will the comparative immaturity of guys in your grade lead you to wait on dating until college (I can always hope!) or will you want to date a senior when you're a sophomore? (YIKES)

I don't know. I can only pray that the differences between your school experience and mine are only positive ones. Mommy probably is just worrying about something you'll never give a second thought about, and really...that will be just fine.

Choices

2009-08-17T11:53:00.001-07:00

Here we are...the summer is pretty much over and it's time to make some hard decisions.

You will turn four in October and will be old enough to go to preschool. At one time this face was a no brainer for me. I would go back to teaching, you would go to preschool, and we would start the 'school years' chapter of our lives together with a few tears, but relatively little angst.

Now....I'm not so sure.

This move has been a difficult one for you. I knew it would be, but I don't know that I really understood how you would respond. That coupled with the fact that we've been gone so much this summer, well, it's lead to you being extremely clingy to me. You don't want me out of your sight for a moment. No one else will satisfy you. You even choose me over Daddy or (gasp) Grammy and Grandma. And I can forget you going to your little classes on Sunday morning or Sunday night. You only go to Sunday School (a.k.a. "Scamper Class") and Rainbows on Wednesday nights very reluctantly. I can't imagine you going to preschool for hours everyday without me.

It saddens me to think how independent you were when we were at Higher Ground, and now you are so shy and reluctant to trust anyone. I guess this is a stage you'll grow past, and probably with time we'll barely remember you being this way. But right now, it's our whole world and I can't help but feel a bit guilt ridden. You can't imagine how hard it is to walk away from you and leave you in a class when you give me those 'don't-leave-me-mommy' looks as I turn to go. You'll probably never know how many times I've cried over it. If there's anything I regret about moving it's this change in your nature.

That's not to say it isn't frustrating for me too. There are a lot of responsibilities in our ministry at South Henderson that are very difficult to fulfill with a needy, emotional, three-year-old wrapped around my leg. Sometimes I get impatient with you and let my frustration show too much. Thank goodness you are so forgiving. I'll keep working on it though, remembering that it will just take time for you to come to know and love our new friends like I already do. I also try to remind myself that there will come a day that I would give anything for you to want to spend time with me....for you to be able to crawl up in my lap and fall asleep again. Sometimes we get stuck in the "now" and forget how temporary the "now" really is. Ecclesiastes calls it "chasing the wind" and I think that's a very accurate description.

So what do I do? Do I look for a job and go ahead making plans for you to become a preschooler? Do I stay home with you one more year, savoring this intimate time together that will never come again? I'm not sure. My heart is torn. More prayer and more soul searching will have to happen before I know just what to do. But above all I have to trust the ONE who gave you to me is able to keep you.

I love you, my little clingy girl.....

Too Much Time Away

2009-07-26T10:30:00.000-07:00

My beautiful daughter....I miss you so. This summer, I have been away from you more than I have since you have been born. Two weeks of youth camp (not consecutively, thankfully), a week of mission trip, and now this weekend I am at Youth Quest. I struggle with regret that I am missing some of that amazing growing up that you're constantly doing right before my eyes. But I know the time you are getting to spend with your Grammy, Grandma, and Grandaddies is priceless. As much as I miss you, I know you are gaining so much more than just a couple of weeks of spoiling.

I spent nearly every afternoon and most of the summer with my cousins at my Grandma's (Mema) house. The close relationship I gained with all of my family is something that I could give nothing for...it shaped the person I became, my values, my humor, my goals, and my character. I don't want you to miss out on those life lessons just because we are in the ministry and probably won't ever live in the same town with them. Family should not be a victim of the pastorate.

Next year...you are DEFINITELY coming with us everywhere we go. You'll be a little older, and probably a lot more comfortable with the people at South Henderson PH. I know the transition the past several months has probably been harder for you because, not only have we left the only church and church family you have ever known, but we haven't been home very much at SHPHC for you to really get to know everyone. I want you to be a part of our ministry, not excluded from it. I want you to grow up loving every minute of serving the Lord and all the amazing, funny, talented and loving people who are a part of that service. Sooo...fingers crossed, next year, four-year-old in tow, will be a summer to remember!!

Christmas Time is Here

2008-12-26T15:00:00.001-08:00

I can't believe another Christmas has come and gone so fast. After weeks and weeks of shopping, deocrating, wrapping, parties, cantata practice out the wazzu, etc... it came and went in a flurry of tearing paper, flashing camera bulbs, and thank yous. It happens every year, yet some how it always takes me by surprise. Shouldn't the space-time-continuum somehow slow down just a bit that we might savor it all just a tiny bit longer?

Firstly, I think you are beginning to get the whole 'Santa Claus' concept for the first time this year. Now that's not to say you're ready to sit in his lap or anything (you ran in hysterical screaming terror from the one at the mall after waiting in line in excitement to meet him - ah well...you're fickle). But you did talk about writing lists to him and enjoyed watching the claymation Christmas specials about Rudolph and Santa Claus. The line we all got the biggest kick out of was when you were standing there, hands on your hips, Christmas morning serveying all of your loot and you proclaimed, "Boy...he sure is nice." Yes he is.

You were spoiled beyond measure this year. You got at least six baby dolls (one as big as you), a doll playset (including a doll playpen, swing, and stroller), a giant three story dollhouse, a my little pony carnival with a working ferris wheel, the much requested cupcake machine (which Grammy and I both agree is highly overrated), and variously little dolls, animals, candies and junk that you loved. I think the best present has been a Fisher Price Digital Camera made with toddlers in mind. It's practically indestructable and it takes real pictures. You figured it out fairly quickly and have run around taking pictures of everything and everybody. I think I'll have to make a little scrapbook of your photography. You really don't do bad for a three year old.

We're all really enjoying spending time with family....eating way too much tasty food....and just relaxing after being so stressed out and busy for weeks.

I really love Christmas.

Our Thanksgiving Weekend

2008-12-02T17:29:00.000-08:00

We all had an especially good Thanksgiving this year. We headed down to Sanford on Wednesday morning after Daddy visited one of our church ladies who had surgery that morning. Traffic was really bad, especially through Raleigh. We were very thankful to get home, and Daddy and I both crashed at Grandma and Grandaddy's house - especially Daddy who had only gotten about three hours sleep. You were so excited about knocking on their door when we arrived - such a grown up thing to do! You played and played with Grandma while Daddy snoozed on the couch and then we went and ate Japanese food that evening for supper (you love the salad, the rice, and the little peas and carrots in the rice). After that we went to see Grammy and Grandaddy and you enjoyed playing in their shower (you call it your 'house') and unrolling a bunch of toliet paper in the bottom of it - Grandaddy will let you get away with ANYTHING!

Thanksgiving day we got up really early so we could drive to Fayettville to meet Grandpa, Uncle Jesse, Steve, Lisa, and your cousins Trinity, Katey, and Sam at the Sandpiper Restaurant. You didn't eat very much - hush puppies mostly - but you had a good time playing with Sam and Katey.

After we ate we all headed to do some Thanksgiving Day shopping in the few stores that were open. We went to KMart and Hammricks and then hit the Super Wal-Mart in Spring Lake on the way home. You are quite a trooper when it comes to shopping. When we would leave a store you would say, "Where are we going now?" You had the most fun playing with Sam. He's used to little girls since he has two sisters, and he kept you giggling the whole time we were in KMart.

After we got back to Sanford, we headed to Grammy's house. You had fallen asleep in the car on the way back so we took Grandaddy Elton's car so you could stay in your car seat and sleep a little longer. Grandaddy Ronnie had cooked steaks on the grill and Mema, Emily and Uncle Joe all came over to eat with us. You ate macaroni and cheese and salad, with ranch of course! We all got to see Uncle Joe's new car - a black 2007 Acura. Emily went ahead and gave us our Christmas gifts from her...she gave you a little pink stocking with a princess crown ornament in it. She gave Mommy penguin salt and pepper shakers (which was pretty cool since Mommy collects Christmas shakers!) and a Christmas hand towel.

The next morning Mommy and Daddy got up at 4:30 a.m. so they could be at Super Wal-Mart when the big sales started. It was INSANE!! People putting two 50-inch flat-screen plasma televisions in their cart at a time....lines a hundred people long for an XBox 360 game system....the whole store so packed that at times no one could even move in the aisles....We managed to get quite a few good deals though. The cupcake maker you have asked for constantly for Christmas was on sale for $20.00 and Mommy managed to get the very last one. We went to a few more stores after we got everything we wanted at Wal-mart. We actually got to see the sun rise for the first time in a long time - Mommy and Daddy are NOT morning people! - while Mommy ate a McGriddle Sausage Sandwich from McDonalds and Daddy stood in line at Game Stop.

We got a lot of great deals....probably saved nearly $200 all total. We went back to Grandma and Grandaddy's house and you were still asleep, so we went back to bed too! That night we went to Mema's house and had Thanksgiving Dinner with all of Mommy's family. There were 23 of us in that little house, but I think there was enough food to feed 60 people! We all ate until we thought we would explode and Mema still said, "Ya'll just don't eat like you used to....look at all this leftover food!" It felt really good to be with all my family. Everyone actually took time to stick around and spend time together after we ate. Grammy brought a bunch of old pictures from when Mommy was little and we all spent a lot of time reminiscing. Mommy helped Jason tune his new guitar and played a little and showed him a few chords. You played with "Little Boy Cameron" and Aleigha and Drew in front of Mema's Christmas tree most of the evening. Jason and I talked about how all of us had grown up spending so much time together as kids and how we wished the next generation of cousins could actually see each other more than a couple of times a year. Maybe someday...

Happily it will only be a few more weeks before we get to head back down that long road to Sanford once again and spend some more time with the family we love.

Haul Out the Holly

2008-11-17T21:01:00.000-08:00

We've been putting up our Christmas decorations this week and you've been totally enthralled with everything. This is the first year you've really been a part of the decorating process, and you've really enjoyed every minute. Utterances of "Oooooh...", "Wow!", and "Oh Mommy, it's SOOO pretty!" have been frequent. The tree seems to have a bit more decorations on the bottom half than the top, and I've tried my best to curb my perfectionist tendencies and have only moved a few of your interesting ornament placements. Some ornaments didn't make it to the tree - the 'Sleeping Beauty' ornament that plays Once Upon a Dream would be one of those for obvious reasons. I have to keep reminding you that ornaments belong on the tree, and you need to leave them alone.

This morning you put on your pouty face and I asked you what was wrong. You said, "We didn't decorate my room!" So we picked out a few decorations - a snowman family, a christmas bell, and the singing Elmo, Cookie Monster, and Oscar the Grouch on a sled - and decorated you room. You seem satisfied with the results.

We're really getting in the Christmas spirit around here. Between all the holiday displays at the different stores, to practicing for the Christmas Cantata (we've sung those songs so much you are learning to sing them!) we can't help ourselves. I've bought a few gifts already, and even wore my candy cane shirt once. We've watched the DVD of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer several times, and of course, Daddy insisted on playing all the Christmas music CDs while we were decorating. A lot of folks can't believe we're already doing all this, but we've always had a tradition of putting up our Christmas decorations as early as possible. Daddy and I actually went out and bought a Christmas tree on Halloween night the first year we were married and put it up that very night....the tradidtion has continued ever since. We always try to put up the tree and decorations as early in November as possible. Of course, with being in the pastorate now, it seems a little harder to get the time to "haul out the holly" as the song goes. Daddy hasn't gotten to the yard decorations yet, and the angel still needs to be put on the tree. Maybe tomorrow night.

Jesus With a Sword

2008-10-29T21:03:00.000-07:00

This was your funny/sweet story tonight as we were getting ready for bed.

Petra: I don't like yellow, Mommy. (said in reference to your yellow Dora the Explorer pajamas)

Me: You don't like yellow, huh?

Petra: Nope. Do you like yellow, Mommy?

Me: Yes, I like yellow. It's like a sunshine.

Petra: Oh. (pause) Belle (from 'Beauty and the Beast') wears yellow.

Me: Yes, she does.

Petra: Why does Belle have the Beast and not the prince like Cinderella?

Me: Well, the Beast is a prince, but an evil witch turned him into a beast....

Petra: OHHHH! What happened next?

Me: Well....Belle met the Beast and fell in love with him and kissed him and he turned back into the handsome prince.

Petra: And then what?

Me: Well...um....they got married and lived happily ever after in the castle.

Petra: That's a good story, Mommy. The witch tried to get me too.

Me: Oh, don't you worry, sweetheart. No witch can get you because Jesus keeps you safe.

Petra: Yeah. (pause) Jesus has a long sharp thing?

Me: A sword?

Petra: Yeah! A sword. Jesus use the sword to fight the witch.

Me: I guess that's one way of putting it.

Petra: Okay, Mommy. Maybe we can see Jesus in the morning.

Me: Sounds good to me.

Sometimes You Scare Me!

2008-10-27T17:33:00.000-07:00

You know, it wouldn't exactly be an accurate story if I only talked about your sweet moments, or cute mannerisms... Sometimes, little girl of mine, you scare the bejeezus out of me!

Take this weekend for example. First you started having a fever on Thursday - 101 degrees...not TOO serious, but enough to make me take notice. You were acting pitiful - not playing, sitting in my lap a lot, even falling asleep in Daddy's lap when he was holding you in the recliner. We gave you infant tylenol (which you didn't like much, but you took it better than you did the 'pink stuff' - a.k.a. amoxacylin) and the fever went away the next day.

Then you get this rash all over your body. Little pink spots on your arms, face, legs, butt.... Daddy immediately says "chicken pox" but I've had chicken pox, he hasn't and I don't think that's what it is. Plus you aren't scratching them, and they don't look as awful as chicken pox. I went through a gambit of possibilities. Measles? But your fever had gone away... Heat rash? But it didn't go away like heat rash normally would. I wondered if it was some of your umpteen-million new clothes that Grammy had bought you causing an allergic reaction of some sort because your bad mommy hadn't washed everything first (I ususally do, but there were just SO many new outfits!) before letting you wear it.

So we went to church Sunday night and you were walking around in the sanctuary like you always do when I'm tuning the guitars for praise and worship before service starts. And I look up, and you've vanished. I didn't really panic at first. After all, the church is like a second home to you and you often go get a toy from the nursery and come right back. But you weren't in the nursery or children's church or the fellowship hall, or Daddy's office or any place else that I could find. Cue panic....

After frantically searching every hiding place I could think of and enlisting some help from your adopted grandpa Monte.... we finally found you. One of the children's staff had taken you and a couple other kids out to the playground without bothering to tell me!! Needless to say, they were very apologetic, (especially after I told them if they ever did that again, I'd kill them!) and you were fine. I think I have a few more gray hairs after that and it took my heart a little while to get back in a normal rhythm again.

After church that night, one of the church ladies who is a nurse told me your rash was most likely just the residual effects of a minor viral infection - which was probably what had caused your fever a few days prior. She said her son had had something very similar before. That relieved my mind and we went home a little more at ease.

Of course, you had to pull one more heart stopping stunt before the day was through. After laying you down for the night, Daddy and I stayed up a little longer to have some time to ourselves to play on the internet and such. We were heading down the hall to go to bed ourselves when we heard you screaming. We both dashed into your room and you were crying and calling for me saying your head hurt. You said you had bumped it. Well, you had bumped it slightly several hours before when you were playing with Daddy, but not enough to cause this kind of hysteria. There wasn't even a mark on you. We soothed you and rocked you for a bit and you feel back to sleep, so we put you back to bed.

Not even an hour later it happened again - you crying out for us saying your head hurt. And of course, my 'mommy brain' starts running through scenerios....what if Jennifer was wrong and the rash and fever were something serious? What if you hit your head harder than we thought and you have a concussion and we let you go to sleep?!?!

We put you in the bed with us to observe you - something we never do - and you contentedly went right back to sleep. Eventually we got you back in your own bed and you slept the rest of the night, waking up this morning perky and cheerful and apparently having no rememberence of anything that had occured. Your head is fine and you act fine. All that scaring for nothing!

I know you can't help any of these things. But the saying is true, "Having children is like ripping your heart out of your body and letting it walk around in this dangerous world on tiny little legs."

Things I love about you, Petra Sky....

2008-10-24T21:38:00.000-07:00

Your vivid imagination..

Your funny facial expressions...

The way you call Daddy a "prince" and me and you, "princesses"....

Your lengthy explanations of things...

Your announcements of "I can do it myself" about the funniest things...

You love Mexican Food like me....

Your tenderheartedness....

Your singing....

Your spontaneous outbursts of "I love you, Mommy"....

The way you clean up your own spills....

Your love of all things 'girlie' while at the same time being such a risk-taking tomboy....

Your sweet tooth.... (M&Ms for breakfast? I think not!)

Your cuddliness....and the fact you say I'm "cuddlyful" too....

Your big blue eyes....

Your gorgeous hair that always seems to curl just so...

That you miss me when I'm away from you...

That you love me so....

Almost Three

2008-10-08T09:24:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe you are about to turn three.... you should still be my baby! But you are growing up so fast. Everyone says it goes by faster than you can blink - and it's really true. You amaze me, your Daddy, and your grandparents with your vocabulary and the concepts you seem to grasp at such a young age. Some of your phrases that either astonish or set us to peals of laughter (or both) include:

"Oh, yes, mommy, that's a really good idea."

"Look both ways, mommy!"

"Don't tell me that..." (that one gets you in trouble every time)

"Oh mommy, you're a good finder."

"Just a little bit, Mommy, just a little bit more?"
(said with your fingers pinched together to illustrate how much a little bit is...)

"I know, Mommy, I know..." (Then follows a long drawn out explanation of your 'master plan')

"Mommy, I will never use the potty, never ever. I like my diapers. I will wear them forever."

"No, Mommy! No helping....I will do it myself!"

You are so polite! You nearly always say "please" and "thank you". You will say "excuse me" if you're trying to get by. You're still working on sharing....but I've read in different books that your brain hasn't completely developed the 'sharing synapses' yet....so I'll cut you some slack on that one.

You are very obsessed with Strawberry Shortcake (the updated version, not the ones that were around when I was a kid!) at the moment - it has taken first place in your loves. Just the other day you insisted I buy you a Strawberry Shortcake balloon you saw in the grocery store. I'm afraid I'm pretty much a pushover when it comes to buying you little nonsensical things like balloons or stickers or such. So I'm staring at it now as it floats above my head in the living room. You watch the Strawberry Shortcake videos over and over again on your DVD player in the car, and can sing a lot of the songs by heart. You also play with the Strawberry Shortcake dolls a lot. Of course, their clothes don't stay on for very long. You're in that "naked baby doll" stage right now. Between your 'oh-okay' Mommy and your spoiling Grammy and Grandma, you've got about every Strawberry Shortcake figure that has been released in NC (and VA for that matter!). I think Grammy is going on Ebay hunting for the elusive 'Blueberrry Muffin'. You said you want a Strawberry Shortcake birthday party this year, and I think Grammy is going to make sure that happens.

You still love Mickey Mouse and all the Clubhouse figures, and you watch it first thing when you get up every morning while you're eating breakfast (a strawberry-bannana cereal bar and chocolate milk every morning!). You still love to play with the Clubhouse we got you for your birthday last year. You've started really loving tools - which we attribute to one of your other favorite shows Handy Manny. It's about a Spanish-speaking handyman and his talking tools who live in 'Sheetrock Hills' and fix things for their neighbors. You have three tool sets now - a wooden one, and a "baby" set (small Handy Manny tools that go with the Handy Manny talking doll!) and a "mommy" set (bigger tools made for your size). So you go around the house "fixing" things all day. It's very cute.

You are also into the Disney princesses some. We haven't really let you watch the videos other than Cinderellla....most of them have such scary elements in them (i.e. the dragon in Sleeping Beauty, the wicked queen in Snow White...). Someone brought Snow White to church, of all things, and was playing it in the nursery. You've since said you had 'bad dreams' about a witch trying to steal your birthday cake. I don't know if the two things are connected or if you've been influenced by the in-your-face Halloween aisle at Wal-Mart.....either way, Mommy is not pleased. But you did decide on being Sleeping Beauty for Hallelujah Night at church this year. You have the dress, the crown, and Grammy bought you a matching pink princess pumpkin to put all your Trunk-or-Treat loot in. I can't wait to see you in the costume - neither can you, for that matter. You've asked over and over if you could wear it. Finally we hid it in the back of your closet - 'out of sight, out of mind' still seems to work for the most part right now.

You've really started making deeper friendships with the kids at church. Your "best" friend is Cameron (not to be confused with "Little Boy Cameron - your cousin) but you also love Destiny, Courtney, Haley and Joeb very much. In one of your little children's books there is a picture of a group of children on a beach and whenever we get to that page you name off who everyone is: "That's me, and Courtney, and Destiny, and Cameron, and Joeb, and Little Boy Cameron, and Baby Gabby, and Haley!" you say with confidence.

You are starting to grow a little in the foundations of your faith too, and that is a very exciting thing to behold. You not only say your prayers at night and meals, but you remind others if they forget, and you're starting to put some crucial concepts together - God as creator, Jesus loves us all, and stuff like that. The other day you were making waves in the bathtub and I said "You're making some big waves there." You replied, "Like the ocean." So I asked you who makes the waves in the ocean. And without hesitation you said, "Jesus." It was a thrilling moment for me, even if you did have that 'duh, mommy' expression on your face.

Almost three....where did the time go?

Christmas 2007

2008-01-02T12:53:00.000-08:00

We just celebrated your third Christmas with us and your little two-year-old personality really shone through this year. Despite some health problems threatening to keep your Mommy out of commission, the Lord came through and we were able to enjoy all the festivities with our family.

On Christmas Eve we went to your Great-grandma's (MeMa's) house to open presents with all your cousins. Your favorite presents that evening were a stuffed Daisy Duck (from Mommy and Daddy), a toy guitar and Thomas Train from Aunt Joy Joy, and a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse activity pad from MeMa. You had a great time playing with your cousin Cameron and your Daddy got some great footage of you two playing and dancing with your guitars. I think the most special moment for me had to be when you sat in my lap and listened to MeMa sing "Jolly Old St. Nicholas" like she has done for all the children every year as long as I can remember. That is a tradition I hope you can enjoy for many more years yet...

After we left MeMa's house we went to your Grammy's house and opened more presents. Your Uncle Joe and his girlfriend Emily gave you a book that was very special to her when she was a child: The Very Hungry Caterpillar. She and Uncle Joe also gave you a stuffed caterpillar toy that matched the book (thus far you've liked the toy better than the book, but I think you'll like the book more when you get older.) Your Daddy and I gave you your stuffed Goofy which you really loved. Now your collection is complete, well almost. We got all the 'Mickey Mouse Clubhouse' characters except Pluto. We'll have to get him later.... funny you, you asked about Pluto as soon as you realized it was the only one you didn't have. Grammy gave me, Daddy, and Uncle Joe all of our presents next....lots of new clothes for Mommy! Yay! Video games and other neat things for Daddy! Finally we all went to sleep....you didn't want to, of course, but you were really tired so it didn't take too long.

The next morning, we celebrated Christmas Day first at Grammy's house where Santa brought you TONS more toys - way too many to list. I'm not sure who was more overwhelmed you or us! After getting ready as fast as we could, we headed over to Grandma and Grandaddy's house where we opened even more presents! I got a Christmas Cookie Yankee Candle from your Grandma and Grandaddy, and an ornament, and some more clothes. Daddy got lots of clothes from them, and Mommy and Daddy gave each other mostly toys! GI Joes...Video Games and such... :-) We're still kids at heart!

Uncle Jesse came over and we all ate lunch together. Your Grandma is one amazing cook. I always say she would put Betty Crocker to shame! She fixes everything from scratch - and I do mean everything! Your Grandaddy fixed his famous chocolate eclair - oh it was SOOO yummy. Even though I still wasn't feeling great and didn't have much of an appetite, I managed to eat a small bowl of eclair - some things are too good to pass up!

Christmas is full of so many wonderful traditions. I can't wait to see all the new ones that develop as you grow older.

Obsessions: Part Two

2007-09-12T08:40:00.000-07:00

Earlier I posted about your obsession with the Doodlebops. Interestingly enough, that obsession has waned in it's intensity quite a bit over the past few months. You still request Doodlebops videos from time to time, but it's much more managable.

I've observed several other obsessions this week that got me thinking. Number one has to be your blankie(s). I put plural on the end of that because one is never enough. Two is a bare minimum and the more the better. You are picky about your blankies - they aren't really blankets at all but those little hooded terrycloth towels that they sell at Wal-Mart. Pink is the color of choice, but pattern doesn't seem to matter so much. Sometimes you tote around so many of them at once that you can barely walk. They are your comfort when you get a boo boo or get upset, they are a requirement for going to sleep. You use them to clean things, wipe your face (whether that means chocolate or tears), swaddle baby dolls, and you are known to ball them up into a makeshift pillow when riding in the car seat. Not having a blanket has caused many trips to be cut short, as we returned home to fetch one, and once we even made an emergency Super Wal-Mart trip just to get a blankie.

Another obsession is with rubber bouncy balls. Unfortunately every restaurant seems to have a quarter operated machine that vends these pesky toys right at the entrance, so I have little hope of escaping without either buying yet another ball, or facing a tantrum. I'm afraid I'm often just too much of a softy on that point. In any case, any time mommy doesn't give in, there's usually some church person who can't resist adding to the collection. Our favorite Mexican restaurant in Ahoskie, Los Amigos, has such a ball machine, and I think as I type this I can spot at least 5 balls from that particular machine scattered across the living room floor. You just love them - throwing them and yelling "catch!" Using them in your shape sorter or the ball shoot on your Fisher Price play house...

Other obsessions that come to mind include:

cleanliness - you can't stand to have anything on your hands or face
shoes - you love to put them on, whether yours or other peoples'
ice - if anyone crunches on a piece of ice, watch out! You'll be begging for some in no time.
Elmo - what two-year-old ISN'T obsessed with Elmo?
water - especially splashing in it, whether in the sink, the tub, or the pool
swinging - it is the ONLY thing you want to do when we go to the park
Jessica - your "DeDa" as you call her takes priority over everyone else
action figures - specifically your Daddy's old 1980's figures, some of which he lets you play with in the "Man-man" closet.

I don't know if you just have a little streak of obsessive compulsive in you (your Uncle Joe certainly did when he was little) or if it's just another manifestation of your strong personality. Most of the time, these are just endearing quirks - sometimes, they can be real battle issues, and often are the source of the few temper tantrums you actually throw. I wonder how many of these intense "likes" will remain with you as you grow older.

Obsession

2007-06-06T20:04:00.000-07:00

Obsessions are interesting things. Case in point: your current obsession with the Doodlebops has become a family obsession by proxy. For those who may not be "in the know" with what is "hip" in the world of preschool educational/entertainment television, the Doodlebops are a musical band consisting of three memebers - Dedee Doodle, Rooney Doodle, and Moe Doodle. These characters although played by human actors, wear make up and costumes that make them resemble puppets [including full body paint to make them more colorful and puppet-like hands (gloves) and cartoonish hair (wigs)]. They sing a variety of songs about topics such as getting along, the importance of exercise, how to deal with your temper, trying new things, dealing with impatience about growing up, the value of asking questions, and a myriad of other topics. Like most preschool shows it has a lot of repetative elements from show to show that the children learn about and come to expect. Your two favorites at the moment are "Where's Moe?" which is the question asked at the beginning of every show as the other two characters search around the house for him. The other is "Don't pull the rope!" which is what all the character say to Moe right before he pulls a red rope which causes water to dump on his head. You tickle me and your daddy to death when you stand there and pump your arm up and down and say "Don't pull the rope!"

So just how obsessed are you? We bought you a Doodlebops t-shirt at the beach on a whim because we knew you loved the show. As soon as you saw it you immediately wanted to put it on and wore it all day; you even cried when we took it off to put on your pajamas. It's now your favorite shirt and you would wear it every day if I gave you the option. You gasp with sheer delight when the show comes on and begin dancing around the room singing the opening song. It holds your attention from beginning to end. You find the remote and begin saying "T.V. .... Bops!" while pointing at the DVD case with the familiar trio on the front. You would watch the videos all day long I think (of course, we don't let you - for our sanity as much as your need to get outside and exercise!) And what to you want to listen to in the car? Doodlbops, of course.

So now your obssession has become our obsession. We look for the Doodlebops stuff everywhere and I think we've bought four DVDs so far (aren't we gluttons for punishment?) We know all the words to all the songs and can sing them whenever requested. We've read the forums online discusing who was a better manager "Mazz" or "Jazzmine" and which format is better, season 1 or season 2 - and those discussions have carried over to the dinner table. We check regularly to see when the Doodlebops Live tour is coming to our area. It's nuts! I don't know if we'll be sad or glad when you grow out of this Doodlebops phase... I think sad.... but till then we'll keep singing "Get on the Bus" and enjoy every minute.

Food Favorites

2007-05-23T13:34:00.000-07:00

Food has always been an interesting subject for you. Since you first started eating baby food you’ve always had a taste for the unexpected. For months you were a veggie only girl – peas, green beans, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes were your standard fare. You weren’t interested in fruits at all and completely despised bananas and applesauce which made you a very atypical baby in the eyes of everyone I shared this fact with.

As you’ve gotten older and eat table food you still lean more toward veggies than sweets, like carrots, corn and peas. You are a chocoholic like me; thanks to Michelle Harrell at church introducing you to the wonder of M&Ms, you beg for those anytime you see a familiar looking package. And like most children, you love ice cream. You went through a McDonald’s chicken nuggets phase for a while, though you’ve gotten away from that recently. I guess just like the rest of us, you got tired of the same-old-same-old. You love apples, and that’s one of your favorite words. If someone opens the fridge you immediately ask, “Apple?” no matter what time of day or night. You also love rice, just like your daddy. Whether it’s fried rice from the Japanese or Chinese restaurant, or dirty rice from Bojangles, you’ve never met a grain you didn’t like. Macaroni and cheese has become a staple – sometimes it’s the only form of protein I can get you to eat. Hot dogs? Forget it… Chicken? Only if Mommy hides it in some rice… Hamburger? You gag… You love bread most of time, and green beans when the mood suits you. You’ll eat your Grandma Bryan’s spaghetti (who wouldn’t?) but no one elses.

You won’t touch cow’s milk in any form (you even turn your nose up at chocolate milk!) so I still give you the stage-two formula at night and I mix it in with your rice and fruit cereal in the mornings. I always worry you don’t get enough protein or calcium. Hopefully you’ll grow out of this milk aversion eventually. Fortunately, you are usually willing to try most anything once. This has resulted in you acquiring a taste for a lot of strange things – dill pickles, sour cream and onion/BBQ potato chips, Doritos, ranch dressing, popcorn… I guess like everything else, Petra, you are unique.

Boy has time flown!

2007-05-23T12:44:00.000-07:00

You know, good intentions cannot compete with the demands for attention of a growing baby. I couldn't believe it had been a year since I posted, but raising you, Petra, is my number one priority, my number one occupation - everything else takes a backseat (some further back than others!). So I guess I'll do some backlogging for a few days and try to contain memories before they are lost to me.

Where are we now? You are 19 months old and have definitely started your "terrible twos" early. I don't know - they really aren't that terrible... You are independent minded to the extreme; wanting to do everything yourself, no matter how dangerous or difficult. "NO" is your favorite word at the moment, though your vocabulary seems to multiply daily. I am amazed at your quickness with language; being with your grandparents for a few weeks hasn't hurt. Let's see if I can make a quick list of some of your most said (and understandable) words:

NO!
mommy
daddy
mama/nana (can refer to either of the "grandma's"
grandaddy
dog
meow
hey
bye bye
sit down
ouch
boo boo
ball
shoes
outside
cheese
fish
Elmo
ice (pronounced "i-sh")
Doodlebops
Ei-ei-oh
tea
thank you (pronounced "shank-oo"
Amen! (at the end of the blessing over our food)
where'd he go?
there he is! (these last two are probably only understandable by family, but they are always in context of a game of peek-a-boo, so we're fairly confident that the translation is accurate!)

Well, that's a fair sampling. Your Grandma Bryan can translate a lot more of your gibberish than any of the rest of us, though I think perhaps some of it is a little wishful thinking on her part. Much of your speech has come by way of song. You are SOO musical - you only have to hear a tune once for you to start picking up on how it goes and trying to the best of your ability to imitate the words. I made a CD of your favorite songs, both from the television shows you love to watch and Bible songs your Daddy and I grew up on, and whenever we're in the car you sing song after song with such enthusiasm. Daddy and I are always in awe of how good your sense of pitch and timing is for such a little girl. You are nearly always right in tune with what you are singing, and your timing is never off. I guess some musical genes spliced together to create a little music genius.

You are becoming a climber, at least for the past few days anyway. As much as it fills me with dread to watch you turn the couch, recliner, and kitchen chairs into your own version of monkey bars, I am reminded of an article I read before you were born; just like the mother in that article, I don't want to stifle your adventurous spirit, your willingness to attempt challenges, to fail, and to try again out of an overzealous fear for your safety. Obviously there are limits - but a few bumps and bruises are a small price to pay for a daughter who isn't afraid to push herself, to take on the world with a determined grin and push the boundaries people might set for her, instead of a fearful little girl who hides behind her mommy's legs anticipating defeat at every turn because mommy taught her to be that way. I like your personality - even when you defiantly say "NO" to everything, even things you really want to say yes to (granted it makes my frustration level rise sometimes).

Be yourself Petra, and be loud about it. Don't let this world tell you what you can't do.

At three months old...

2006-01-17T13:29:00.000-08:00

You are such a determined child. You don't like feeling your own limitations it seems. I read in a baby book that some babies are called 'active babies', and they tend not to be happy until they are mobile. I can see an element of that in you. You struggle so hard to sit up, even though your neck muscles aren't really strong enough to hold your head up for very long. You can't stand to be swaddled or confined in any way, especially in your car seat. We've expereienced several "meltdowns" because you couldn't stand be strapped down in that seat.

Your intelligence is so evident; you concentrate very intently on everything around you, whether that be other people or toys or just your surroundings. You are such an alert baby, and you love to smile and coo at everyone who stops to talk to you. You love the live music in church, though it often puts you to sleep. I hope you will be a musician someday. That is something that has brought your daddy and I so much joy and fulfillment, I want you to be a part of it too. Its amazing watching you try to talk as you coo and make other sweet sounds and work so hard at imitating the way our mouth moves when we talk to you. I can't wait to hear what's going on in that little head of yours.

I love you!

Joyful

2006-01-07T08:17:00.000-08:00

Pretty Kitty 4
Originally uploaded by Girlcloud.

You amaze me more everyday. You have learned to do so many things in such a short amount of time. You hold your head up better everyday and you've started reaching out at objects around you. You've begun to explore the concept of play, and I can't wait for that to develop even more. You sleep through the night (most nights) and in the mornings, after your morning feeding, you and I snuggle together on the couch for a little extra shut-eye. Its a special time for just the two of us to enjoy a sweet closeness before the routine of the day begins.

I love the way you try to imitate my facial expressions. Your smile could melt anyone's heart - it is so full of unfettered joy and innocence. You show happiness with your whole body: eyes, mouth, arms, legs...its like a spasm of glee. I wish I could keep that aspect of your personality untouched forever. It is the carefree happiness of an infant who knows nothing of responsibilities, worries, fear, or doubt.

You are so accepting of everyone you meet; greeting perfect strangers with dazzling smiles that say 'I'm so happy to see you, whoever you are.' Would that we were all so welcoming to those around us we don't know. I'm sure there will come a time when I will want you to look at strangers with suspicion, but the fact that you don't now speaks to me as to how I should take people upon first meeting: assume everyone is a potential friend.

Happy Birthday

2005-10-15T22:45:00.000-07:00

Mommy & Petra
Originally uploaded by Girlcloud.

You're here...finally...truly...

It was a long and difficulte journey. I didn't know I'd have to have a C-section, or that you would have some difficulties with meconium before you were born. I couldn't have ever dreamed you'd weigh 9 lbs. 3 oz. or that you'd have so much hair!

I feel so ill-prepared. Nothing I've read, nothing anyone told me has prepared me for this exhilerating, frightening, amazing moment. Our family is no longer 'just us two.' Three human beings make up our circle of love now. You aren't just a little sensation in my belly anymore - you are a little person with needs, wants, emotions, expressions, and personality. I didn't anticipate how clearly I would see that personality nor how soon. You are a people-person already; you always want to be held and talked to, and you hate being left alone, even when you're sleeping. You don't curl up in the fetal position like most newborns...you stretch out, sometimes as straight as a board when you're upset. Your little cry is so funny, yet it tugs at my heartstrings immediately. I didn't know how much your cry would affect me. It motivates me to act at once - I can't delay a second in trying to find out what is wrong and how I can fix it.

What amazes me most is how much I can love someone I just met.

Your Nursery

2005-08-03T13:24:00.000-07:00

We've been working hard on your nursery these past couple of weeks. I've been painting a mural on three of the four walls. The theme is 'carousel in the clouds' and there are carousel animals (a horse, a zebra, a swan, and a giraffe) on two walls surrounded by fluffy clouds. On the small section of wall next to your crib I have painted a large moon with a little girl angel sitting in the crook of the moon surrounded by clouds and stars. I'm really pleased with how things have turned out.

This past weekend your Grammy, your daddy, and I went to pick out the furnishings for the nursery. It was a big adventure to say the least. In the end we picked out some very pretty furniture that is a little lighter than a cherry color. The crib is convertible so you can use it as a toddler bed and as a full-size bed. The style to me is very elegant and feminine, so I hope you'll love it for a long time to come. We couldn't get the matching changing table yet - there was just no room for it in Grammy's Blazer! Grammy said she would get it before she comes back to visit at the end of August, so no worries there. The curtains were put up too....they are so very pretty! They are sky blue shears with white clouds all over them. Grammy tied up the valance with sparkling white ribbons, making them even more beautiful. I absolutely love them. When our friend Ruth gets a chance, she's going to paint clouds on your sky blue ceiling and then the room will be complete!

I can't wait for your arrival. I hope you love this nursery and can find joy and comfort and peace from the surroundings; your own private carousel in the clouds!

Making Your Presence Known

2005-08-03T13:19:00.000-07:00

So many people had been asking me the question, "Have you felt the baby yet?" For the longest time, my answer was, "No, not yet." After enough people give me a shocked look when I said "no," I automatically started to worry, despite the fact that all the books I was reading told me many mothers didn't feel their babies move for several more weeks.

Finally one night when your daddy and I were lying in bed I felt a definite kick. It wasn't anything like the 'butterfly flutters' other mothers had told me your movements would feel like. There was no question in my mind at all that you were making your presence known in a major way. It was only a few days later that your daddy was actually able to feel you kicking too! You have made up for all those weeks of quietness by becoming a very acrobatic baby. Your kicks are always strong and frequent, especially in the evening when I'm relaxing in my recliner. Sometimes it feels like you do complete somersaults, which is a really odd sensation. It is very comforting to me when I feel you move, because its a reassurance that you are okay and growing and healthy. It also seems to make the entire experience that much more real. My growing stomach leaves no room for doubt in that department, but feeling your little movements makes it feel like you have a real identity and a unique personality that you are already trying to express.

So keep kicking my little soccer player!

IT'S A GIRL!!!

2005-05-27T12:03:00.000-07:00

Wow! You have an identity now...Petra Sky Bryan. Today we had that important ultrasound to find out if you are a boy or girl....and you're a girl (at least there's an 80% chance you are!). Your daddy, my mom (Grammy) and your daddy's mom (Grandma) and dad (Grandpa) were all there when the ultrasound was done. You were all curled up in a little ball sleeping when we started, but a little poking and prodding soon had you moving around, scratching the side of your head and, of course, crossing your legs! Eventually the technician, Pam, said she was 80% sure you are a girl. She said everything looked very healthy and from her measurments you are about 13 oz. in size.

I'm so excited to be able to put a name to this little bundle inside me now...and we can also start picking out clothes and toys and things for you. That will be lots of fun. Your daddy is thrilled that he's going to have a 'daddy's girl' and I'm so happy too. Even though I had thought a lot about having a boy, I see what a great relationship I have with my own mother now that I'm older and I look forward to having that with you too.

I love you, Petra Sky...

Girl or Boy?

2005-05-23T17:09:00.000-07:00

This Friday, if all goes well (and you cooperate!) your Daddy and I will be going for an ultrasound that will hopefully tell us whether you are a girl or a boy. Both of us are so excited just to be able to finally call you by name (Luke or Petra) instead of constantly referring to you as 'the baby' or 'her or him'. Also it will mean we'll be able to start looking for clothes and other gender specific things to add to our baby registry so when loved ones shop for our upcoming baby showers they can get you lots of nice things!

We will be happy if you are just healthy, no matter what you are, but deep down I really hope you are a boy. I've always had a better connection it seems with the men in my life, and I guess the thoughts of you being a boy intimidate me a little less. I wonder if I could handle another hormonal, emotional female in the house. Your Daddy really hopes you are a girl though. He always had a lot of good friends who were girls, and he spent a lot of time growing up around his female relatives. I guess he's wishing out of his feelings of comfort then too. No matter what, I am so excited to see what kind of amazing and unique personality God will bless you with and how much you really are a combination of me and your daddy. I hope you have his peace-making abilities, his people skills, and his positive attitude. I hope you have my love for reading and learning, my creativity, and my tenacity. Most of all I hope you inherit from both of us a love for Christ that will far outstretch anything else you do.

I love you...

Understanding the Unexplainable

2005-05-09T15:18:00.000-07:00

Your daddy and I have experienced some difficult situations at the church these past few weeks, both of them dealing with the deaths of family members of our church people. The first one was the hardest because we had to comfort a young couple who had just lost their first baby. The baby was born premature and despite the best efforts of the doctors, she didn't make it. It was so heartrending to sit with that young mother as she held her lifeless child in her arms. You would have been proud of your daddy -- he did such an amazing job of comforting the mom and dad and saying all the right things to let them know that grief was okay, denial was okay, and even getting angry at God was okay. He even held the little baby for awhile because the mother asked him to. I guess she wanted someone to treat her little child as a baby and not an object.

As I sat there quietly, I thought of you and prayed desperately for your health and safety. I know that woman made some bad choices during her pregnancy that may have contributed to the death of her child, and I hope I'm doing all the right things for you -- watching what I eat and drink, being careful as to the activities I do, trying (semi-successfully) to get more sleep... Emotionally, afterward when we were leaving the hospital, I was really torn up. Your daddy comforted me and took me to dinner where we tried as best we could to erase the painful image from our mind.

Pain and grief are inevitable parts of life. Sometimes we can understand and pinpoint the cause, whether it be our own bad choices or the choices of others. Sometimes pain is not so easily explained -- bad things do happen to good people, to people who love and serve the Lord with all their hearts, to people who don't deserve it. We cannot reason those things away with religious cliches or hollow explanations. Suffice it to say that God is omnipotent and we are not. He does not bring suffering upon us, but He sometimes does allow it to touch us. The reasons for unexplainable suffering will remain beyond our grasp until that day when we see Him face to face and all things become clear. Until we can see our role, and the role of our pain, in the greater scheme of things, we have to work through our grief to the place where we can trust again.

I love you, little one.

Baby's First Pictures

2005-02-25T11:58:00.000-08:00

We got to see you for the first time today!

Our exciting day began at 8:00 in the morning when your daddy and I arrived at Dr. Jones' office. My mom came too; she couldn't stand being left out of the big event. We waited for a good while before we were taken to the ultrasound room. The technician's name was Pam and we found out she was actually our neighbor. She was very nice.

They tried to do an ultrasound using the wand on my belly first, but you weren't developed enough for that method to work, so they decided to do a vaginal ultrasound. I was a little nervous, but it ended up not being too uncomfortable. It was only a matter of seconds later and there you were on the screen in front of me! You were only the size of a butterbean and it was pretty much impossible to make out any features, but it was still you, and I was so happy to see the life that was being created inside me firsthand.

The most amazing part was when she turned up the sound and we were all able to hear your heartbeat. My mom was estatic -- I thought she was going to dance around the room she was so giddy. Your daddy was smiling from ear to ear, and he kept saying "Wow! Can you believe it?" It was so cool. The reality of you really hit home. I can't wait for the next ultrasound when we will find out if you are a boy or a girl, and will get to see more of your features.

I love you already....I can't wait to see you in person.

The Temptations of Fisher Price

2005-02-15T14:18:00.000-08:00

What a good baby you are already! *grin* Well, at least you haven't made me sick at all, and for that I am very thankful. My mom has decided she wants you to call her 'Grammy'...I guess since she bought you your first baby blanket she figures she has first-dibs on grandmother names.

Your daddy and I have been looking at strollers and cribs and all sorts of baby toys and equipment all week. It is fascinating how many things exist now for babies that didn't exist when we were little. Like exersaucers for example; we used to have walkers which looked a lot like exersaucers except they had wheels on them and the baby could scoot around the house while they developed their leg strength and coordination. I don't really know why they phased walkers out; someone said they heard they were dangerous. Of course, lots of things become dangerous with passing generations that previous generations didn't give a second thought. Another interesting invention we looked at was called a Bopppy. This is apparently a pillow that can be used to support the baby when the mother is feeding or to help the baby learn how to sit up. I guess our parents were terribly deprived since they had to rely on pure arm strength and propped us up against pillows when we were learning to sit up.

I guess on reflection, there are many things that I will want you to have because I want you to have the best of everything. But at the same time, if you don't have every new contraption or invention designed to speed your development, that won't mean you won't grow up to be just as happy, healthy, and intelligent as anyone else. Its good to have perspective - especially when you walk down isle after isle of muticolored Fisher-Price gadgets at Toys R' Us. :-)

Welcome to the family...

2005-02-11T05:50:00.000-08:00

Finally! Finally you are here....heaven-sent little life that will be with me every second of every day for the next eight months. I am so amazed at the happiness you can inspire even though you are still unseen.

Your daddy and I went to the doctor yesterday (February 10, 2005) to confirm what we already were pretty about. A little lab work later and the doctor was congratulating us. He said you were already 4 weeks old. It leaves me speechless! In just 4 more weeks we will be able to hear your heartbeat, and that really excites me.

Your Grandma McKay is taking to the news very well. She even emailed me this morning to tell me she had already bought something for you! I think you are going to be very spoiled. Your Grandma Bryan is beside herself she is so happy and your daddy's Aunt Katherine is hoping that you are twins! I'll admit, I laughed a little nervously at that thought....but whatever happens, I am happy. You've brought me so much contentment, little one. I feel satisfied, more so than perhaps ever before.

You've had other effects on me as well. Mexican food, which used to be my favorite, is really unappealing to me at the moment. Practically anything spicy isn't on my list of favorite things anymore. And I do feel sleepy a lot, but that's okay -- its a good reason to nap! Your daddy now has the unpleasant task of cleaning out Xena-cat's litter box for the next 8 months, and I'll admit I feel no small amount of amusement over that.

Let me tell you funny story that happened the other night concerning that cat. We were all sitting in that tiny little living room we have in the house on Clearwater Drive, and we were talking about you and how excited we were. Your daddy looked at our little Pembroke Welsh Corgi, Abigail, and said, "Abigail, you're going to be a sister!" Xena-cat looked at him as if she were offended, and then jumped in my lap, put her paws on my tummy and bowed her head, in the absolute picture of a prayer! She stayed that way for nearly a minute...it really looked like she was praying over you. Well, if animals can talk to God (why not?) I think my dear little kitty was sending good emotions toward you. Funny, huh?

A Picture Speaks a Thousand Words

2005-02-09T12:27:00.000-08:00

Good News
Originally uploaded by Girlcloud.

Happiness...joy...expectation...excitement...amazement...

2005-01-28T08:58:00.000-08:00

I will always support you. Even when your decisions are ones I don't understand or when they take you far away from me. If you tell me the decision you're making is something you've prayed hard about and sought God's will about, if you feel certain that He has given you clarity about the decision, then I will be behind you 100%. Sometimes it may be very hard -- I may think I know what's best for you, and I may think you haven't thought things through the way I have. But some lessons can only be learned by experiencing them, and I may not always be right about what God's future holds for you. If I try to hide my crying-eyes, and my "stiff upper lip" seems to tremble, you must forgive me...I love you and I want you near me and safe. But I'll let you fly free.

Just never forget how to fly home when your wings are tired.

Control Freak

2005-01-07T11:57:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I've written. I'll admit it...I'm discouraged. We've been trying to get pregnant for more than five months now. I know, I know - that's a drop in the bucket when you consider people who have tried for years to get pregnant without success. I guess I had always assumed it would be easy. My mom had no trouble at all; every time she stopped taking birth control she immediately got pregnant. But I have to be reassured that God has all of our best interests at heart and His timing will ultimately be perfect.

I've been thinking a lot about our relationship in the future, mostly because of recent issues I have seen some of my friends facing in their own relationships with their mothers. Controlling, manipulative, or hypocritical women seem to make up a large and unsettling percentage of this generation of mothers. One of my friends went away as a missionary for two years before coming home to finish college. Her parents offered to help her pay for her college and let her live at home to help her out financially. Her mother has since become very controlling - wanting her to spend all her time with her family and very little to no time with friends or her boyfriend. Her mother gives her guilt over the money they are spending, and is evasive any time she tries to have a sit-down discussion about the tension that is growing between them.

Another friend's mother is being very hypocritical about her faith. As my friend struggles with her own spirituality, she is grieved by the way her mom isn't the spiritual role model she needs at this time in her life. Her mother is even jealous of spiritual mentors she's adopted in an attempt to fill in this void. I don't know if its just mothers and daughters particularly that face these battles, or what.

I wonder what I can do to not be so controlling. Being a control freak comes pretty naturally to me. My mom is a domineering type person and I inherited that first-born tendency from her. I know I will want to push you in certain directions, wanting "what's best for you," but I have to remember to honor your individuality and let you make decisions for yourself and deal with their consequences. I also can't live my life vicariously through you. Though I would love for you to be talented in music and become a member of the school band or orchestra, that is my dream...yours may be very different. I hope you and I develop a friendship as you grow older that you will feel like I can be your mentor and your companion in life. Though it will be hard, I hope I can let you have your space (like my mom has so lovingly let me had mine) so coming home will be a welcome visit, not an obligation. Most of all, I pray fervently that I will be a strong Christian role model to you - that you can follow me as I follow Christ. I hope there will be many people in life that will guide you and mentor you in your faith. I will be willing to share.

Paying attention to the signs in your life...

2004-10-25T15:12:00.000-07:00

Not pregnant. Yet another reason to not like “that time of the month.” But God’s will be done, not mine. He sees all things, past, present, and future and He knows what is best for me and you.

The signs in my life are getting pretty loud that this is the time. Your daddy’s cousin Lisa came to visit us this weekend and brought her two kids. Little Katy is only a few months old. She is such a content little baby – never crying unless she’s hungry or really, really tired. I hope you will be that way. I think it would break my heart if you were upset a lot and I was never really sure why. Maybe that’s just the nervous mommy in me speaking. I want everything to be perfect for you. Sometimes your daddy acts really scared about the whole concept and other times he’s just so at ease. This weekend he played with little Katy as if he was a natural at the whole thing. Of course, one of the signs that this is ally going to be fine is how well he gets along with children and children with him. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a toddler or baby who wasn’t drawn to him, or that he couldn’t make smile or laugh. I understand that – he has that effect on me too.

I really enjoyed being with Samuel and Katy (Lisa’s kids). Sam is really rambunctious, but his imagination and his way of expressing himself are so amazing. Katy was so content no matter who was holding her, so I held her for awhile. What a feeling to cradle a God-given miracle in my arms…to feel her breathing, to see her little movements and facial expressions. I want to experience that for myself in you, my child-unborn.

Another sign I’m paying attention to is how much our parents are ready to be grandparents. I guess its most obvious with your daddy’s mom and dad. They both are so drawn to babies. If there’s one to be held, then she is usually holding it. My mom is little less obvious, but the way she makes so much over my cousin’s children, I know she will be an awesome grandma too. And my dad, well, I’ve never had any doubt he would make the perfect granddaddy. That leads me to another sign: as much as I’d like to ignore it, my parents and my parents-in-law are getting older. I want you to know the joy of having two sets of grandparents to love you, and teach you things, and spoil you! I only had my grandma and granddaddy, and now I just have grandma. I want her to know you too…and I want you to get to meet your daddy’s grandparents too.

So all the signs point to the same conclusion…its time.

Turn Back the Clock

2004-10-18T15:22:00.000-07:00

In the fall; what hour of my life would you most like to relive as you turn the clock backward ?

It's almost time to turn back the clocks for daylight savings time. It makes me reflect on the idea of what hour of my life I would most like to relive if I could turn back time as easily as I turn back the clock.

There are several hours that come up in my memory as favorites. Times spent with friends and family...special moments of accomplishment...special moments in my walk with the Lord where I received particular blessings, or was able to help others to receive from the Lord...a moment of discovery when I came to realize I was important to someone...

But the most wonderful hour of my life was the hour I spent with your daddy the day he asked me to marry him. It was my birthday. I had come to his house to spend some time with him before we went out to eat with my family. He asked me to come into the living room and sit with him on the couch. I figured he was going to give me my birthday presents so I didn't think anything of it. He pulls out a letter I had written him a long time ago. In the letter, there was a sentence that said, "I hope someday I can be Mrs. ________. You can fill in the blank." He pulls out a pen and proceeds to fill in the blank. Before I could even realize what was happening, he was down on one knee, with a ring box in his hand, asking me to be Mrs. Bryan. I was so happy I cried. He did too! It really was a dream come true for me.

I pray right now that God will prepare the person that will become your future spouse -- that they will be the man or woman of God you need them to be, and that they would become that person of love, faith, and integrity that you deserve.

Frightening Old Ideas

2004-10-01T15:16:00.000-07:00

John Cage once said, "I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones." There are a lot of old ideas that frighten me in their tenacity to cling to life.

Racism frightens me. That people can be stereotyped by the amount of melanin in their skin, irregardless of their background, upbringing, education, or personality is simply scary. Don't ever allow yourself to slip into that kind of ignorance of thought.

Inflexible traditionalism frightens me. God is constantly doing a new thing...He is able to meet the needs and culture of every generation. I recently heard someone who I considered a strong Christian parent say of a Christian rap song we were playing at a youth event, "I don't hear any God in that, and I don't believe God is pleased with it." It shocked me. As long as the Gospel is not diluted or altered, it should not matter the means by which it is transmitted. Style of music, style of service, or who is the vessel delivering it are all irrelevant to God. Always be open to the moving of God's Spirit, no matter how old or how new the method He employs.

There's No Place Like Home

2004-09-29T12:31:00.000-07:00

Living in Sanford after moving away for several years has been an eye-opening experience, particularly in the area of how much comfort I derive from being home. When I married your Daddy, I realized then (though perhaps not as fully as I understand now) that 'home' would be more a state of mind than a place. I really never expected to live in Sanford again once I was married and we had moved away. My hometown was a constant fixed point - someplace I could always return to, a place to spend holidays and visit family, but not someplace I would actually live.

I really balked when your Daddy said he wanted to take the position at the Sanford Church of God. There were too many memories of past hypocrisies and hurt feelings, unaltered by any knowledge of present realities. I also feared living so close to my family. I had come to enjoy a large measure of independence from them, and I didn't want to get trapped into the cycle of going to my Grandma's house everyday after work like all of my family does. It wasn't because I didn't love my Grandmother, but rather, because I loved my freedom, I didn't want to feel guilt for not being as intimately involved with everyone's' lives as everyone else seemed to be.

When we first came to Sanford and moved right there onto "Hall Hill," it seemed at first as if all my fears had come true. With time, I came to realize that my family did to some degree respect my wayward spirit, even if they didn't truly understand it. I even came to recognize that a few hours spend around the kitchen table chatting with my relatives wouldn't reduce me back to the status of a child again. I had made my way in the world, and they actually respected that.

Now as I drive around these familiar streets, and teach in the same high school where I graduated, there is a sense of satisfaction -- like sliding into a well-worn, comfortable pair of shoes. Running across people I went to high school with doesn't irritate me anymore...I actually look forward to seeing how much people have changed, and then reflecting on how much I have changed too. And the Sanford Church of God still has its share of hypocrisy...just like every church in the world does, but the new faces and friends I have met and made there make it more comfortable of a place than I once thought possible.

My little one, I don't know if you will ever have a "home town" that you will have these feelings for. Maybe for you home will always be a state of mind more than a geographic location. But as long as I am living, home for you can always be wherever I am.

The Still Point

2004-09-28T07:23:00.000-07:00

T.S. Eliot speaks of "... the still point of the turning world..." As I considered what this means for my own life, I realized very quickly that the still point in my turning world is your daddy, my love, David Bryan.

There are so many inconsistencies in my life -- work can be a roller coaster, and I never know from one day to the next what my day will be like, how my students will behave, or if I'll even accomplish anything. Church is sometimes a refuge, and sometimes it is the source of all my stress. Friendships are sometimes uplifting and inspiring, and other times they leave me lonely. Even my relationship with God has ups and downs -- not because He is inconsistent, but because I am.

When I am with David everything feels safe. I know him, I know how he reacts, how he feels, what moves him, and he knows me...better than I know myself sometimes. Even if we are angry at each other over some triviality or another, I feel secure knowing he is there, and that this momentary quarrel cannot tear us apart. When I'm down, he cheers me up with his sweet gestures or silly ways. When I'm happy, he's happy with me. He wants to be with me...all the time! Even when my independent streak gets the better of me and I want to venture out and do things on my own, he still wants to be with me, even then. Even when I'm in pain and not the nicest person to be around, he still wants to be with me. I guess there's still enough of the shy, self-conscious little girl left in me to think that's an amazing concept.

I hope you grow up to be like your daddy and be the "still point" in someone else's life. I also hope you find that person for yourself.

Why I teach...

2004-09-26T01:23:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you why I became a teacher.

Like all kids I toyed with all sorts of ideas of 'what I should be when I grow up'. You will too, I'm sure. I thought about being a veterinarian, because I've always loved animals. I thought about being a writer since I've always loved to read and to write. It wasn't until I got to junior high school that my career choice was really determined. It was in my 8th grade band class that I met a woman who would become one of the most influential in my life - Ms. Kathy Weir. She was our new band director, after Mr. Wilkins moved over to the high school. He too would become a mentor and role model for me, but it was Ms. Weir who showed me the power of being a teacher.

As a small young girl, playing the trombone was a bit more difficult than it was for others. I sat seventh chair in band and didn't really expect to get much better. But Ms. Weir immediately took an interest in me, and began challenging me to be better. She pushed me to play with confidence, and to expect great things of myself. She also showed me how to become a stronger, more confident young woman. I became more outgoing that school year. I began to make more friends, and develop the personality that would characterize who I am today.

Even at such a young age, I realized what an amazing transformation one person had in my life. I wanted to be that kind of catalyst in the life of someone else. And so I began a track to become a teacher. It wouldn't be the most profitable career, as my father continues to remind me, nor would it always be the easiest, but it has been the most rewarding, and every now and then I get the opportunity to be a life-changer for one of my students too.

So when you choose your career someday, do what will make a difference. Material wealth is temporary - being a life-changer is immortality.

Day of the Week

2004-09-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

There is a very old poem that talks about a child's personality based on the day of the week they are born. It goes like this:

Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go,
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child works hard for a living,
But the child that's born on the Sabbath day,
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

I wonder what day you will be born on. I was a "Tuesday child." As a matter of fact today is my birthday! I wish I could have found out that I was pregnant today...that would have been an awesome birthday present. But I'm not. So we'll start trying for October. That actually would be best because then you would be born after school ends. I find myself getting more excited. I hope its soon.

Saying no...

2004-09-21T14:47:00.000-07:00

I read an article in Newsweek today which was talking about how hard it is for my generation of parents to say "no" to our children. I realize to some degree I'm a product of a materialistic society that seldom says "no" to anything. It is difficult sometimes to find the balance between our 'have-everything' society and the important lessons of life that only waiting, saving, and working hard can teach us. I want you to grow up with a strong work ethic so you can be self-reliant and not make some of the mistakes of materialism that I have made. I want you to learn the values of industriousness, delayed gratification, honesty, and compassion.

What does that mean for you? Sometimes I will have to tell you "no." I will be you parent first, before I am your friend. I will make sure you are learning resourcefulness and responsibility before I make sure you are having fun. I want to help you wade through the waves of marketing that will be aimed directly at you by the media so you don't become some sort of 'wanting machine' - never satisfied with the things you are given, always wanting something more.

I don't want you to grow up with a distorted sense of entitlement because you have been given too much, too soon, with too little required to get it. Life is full of disappointments and I know you have to learn to adapt and deal with disappointment before you reach adulthood; it will be too late to learn it then. I realize a lot of my own self-centeredness and self-absorption is a direct product of this lack of exposure to disappointment. I know I will love you so much that I will have every good intention in wanting to give you the best of everything. It will hurt me anytime you feel lack. But the end result must be considered too.

So for all the times I say "no" and make you cry or pout....For all the times I become the "meanest mother in the world" and don't give you everything your friends have - forgive me and know I want you to become a better person than I am today.

What's in a name?

2004-09-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

Naming you...that was the discussion this weekend. For some reason your Daddy and I talked about girl names the entire time, I guess because we both agree on 'Judah David' if you are a boy. That means "Praise for the Beloved" which is so fitting - I know I will have so much praise for my Beloved Savior when you are born.

As for girl names, we've toyed around quite a few possibilites.
Petra Elizabeth........Aurora Sky.......Emily Grace........Jennifer Elizabeth........
My favorite is Emily Grace, but your Daddy doesn't like that very much. His favorite is Jennifer Elizabeth, but I'm not fond of that one. We both like Petra and we both like Sky. I wonder if our indecision is a reflection of what gender you will be!

So what's in a name?

I know what its like to have everyone mispronounce your name constantly. It's more challenging than most people realize when your first name is Dacia but it is pronounced Day-sha. Especially during the school years; my teachers tried hard but never could get it quite right on the first day of school. And it seems the more unusual the name, the easier it is for school bullies to turn it into some form of teasing torture that leaves you in tears on the playground. So I am determined not to name you something that sounds nothing like it is spelled.

At the same time, I appreciate the pride that comes in having an unusal name. With maturity I have come to appreciate my unique name, accept the complements and surprise that accompany it graciously, and realize that it is an accurate representation of my own unique nature. I don't want you to blend into a sea of Amy's, Jennifer's, Joshua's, or Brandon's. You will be one of a kind, and I want your name to reflect that. No matter what we decide to name you, you can be assured it was a tough decision and one made with much prayer, love, and thoughtful consideration.

The Gift of Time

2004-09-17T05:57:00.000-07:00

There is not more precious gift for you to give to another than the gift of your time. It is the only gift you can never get back. We live in a world today that is shaped around the idea of saving every moment: time-saving appliances, drive-through everything, online banking/shopping/dating/tax paying, email, microwaves, pay-per-view, ATM's, and so much more. I can only imagine what the speed of life will be when you are my age! But for what purpose exactly are we saving all this time? To work more? To earn another dollar to spend on another time-saving device?

I say time is sacred, and what you spend your time doing reflects on what is sacred to you. Your time with God must be your first priority. It has to be some sort of galactic joke that it is so easy for the human race to reschedule spending time with the God of the universe, but so hard to reschedule a dentist appointment. Everything, and I do mean everything, will try to prevent you from giving your Creator the quality time He deserves. But He gave you life, breath, salvation, and more...time is the least you can give Him.

Don't neglect to spend time with your family either. That may seem self-serving coming from me, but its advice I have to remind myself to take. Friends, careers, hobbies all have their purpose, and they are necessary, but family is a constant you can rely upon when little else is reliable. My mother always told me, "Never forget your family. Your family will be there for you when everyone else leaves you." Though I didn't take those words very seriously at first, I have found this to be increasingly true as I grow older. Mom's tend to become more intelligent in our eyes as we mature. :-)

I've already told you the value of friendship, and for some reason - perhaps it is because we are getting ever closer to the day of HIS return - it has been one of the greatest casualties of our time-saving society. Friendship is really centered around giving the gift of time to another individual without any obligation to do so; you simply want to.

Finally take time for yourself. Do the things you want to do, not just the things you need to do. Find hobbies you enjoy, things that challenge you yet bring you happiness at the same time. You know I love to scrapbook (I'm assuming I'll never give up this hobby of mine...) and I wondered aloud to a friend if I was being obsessive. He replied, "I think it is dedicated, not obsessive!!... ...Obsessive would mean that I continually sacrifice something greatly important for something else important, an addiction of sorts. Being Obsessive means life is not in balance and only self satisfying, only focused on a certain few things swaying decisions in life against better judgment. Dedication on the other hand, is similar, but allows for rational decision making and allows for a balance of time for all things important in the life God's given us." He is very wise.

Keep a balance of time, my beloved child and you will have a bountiful and fruitful life.

Friendship

2004-09-16T11:49:00.000-07:00

Pro 18:24 in the Message says, "Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family." I resolved long ago that I would be that kind of friend to my friends, which is the kind of friend that I would want them to be to me, and I would do this whether it was ever reciprocated or not - a version of the 'Golden Rule,' if you will. Sometimes this has wonderful results, sometimes it leaves me a little hollow. But I don't regret the decision.

Someone once said, "Friendship doesn't mean perfection, I must remember, it means being human with another human. It's okay not to like certain aspects of people and still love them for being your friend." I think its especially easy when you are young to think the friendships you pour yourself into will last forever and that everyone will always care as much for you as you do for them. For friendship to last for many years you have to accept several qualifiers: first, people have lives, responsibilites, interests, and relationships that go beyond and often superceed friendship. If you are too jealous, too controlling, too demanding, or too easily hurt, you will find your friendships last no longer than the situation that created them.

Secondly, distance may make the heart grow fonder, but it does not make the friendship grow stronger. All the pledges made the last day of high school, or the last year of college, that distance, time, or circumstance will never keep you and your friends apart - though sincere at the time - are very seldom kept. Don't blame them, and don't blame yourself; sometimes our life-paths only cross once. Cherish and hold fast to the memories, but don't mourn the loss too long. It might keep you from seeing the new friendships meant to be made that are just around the corner.

Finally, allow people to be themselves as much as you want them to accept you as you are. Some friends aren't going to be as companionable as others. They might not want to spend every free moment with you, not because of you, but because of who they are. Some friends might seem to smother you, not because of what you need, but because of what they need. To "be human with another human" requires many compromises, much patience, self-sacrifices, but it brings GREAT JOY.

Joy

2004-09-15T07:06:00.000-07:00

I pray that you will be joyful everyday of your life. Now before you think I am praying for an unlikely result, you must remember that joy and happiness are not the same thing. Joy is a state of being, it is a consequence of who you are in Christ, not a reflection of your circumstances. Joy is what brings praise to your lips instead of a curse; it gives you that last little bit of motivation to get out of the bed every morning, even if you know the day ahead of you will be difficult or tiring. Joy allows you to see the miracle in the dandelion, and wonder in a soap bubble. It is what makes you dance spontaneously, or smile for no reason at all.

Joy is walking through hell hand in hand with God.

Joy is leaping off faith's highest cliff knowing Christ will catch you at the bottom or give you wings to soar to the top.

Joy is the epitome of Jesus' character. Don't ever picture your Savior as a somber, solemn, distant God...when He laughs, it is deep and full and loud; when He smiles, He beams from ear to ear. Jesus had eternal joy -- joy that the tears He wept, and the blood He shed would not be in vain, but would bring us home to be with Him forever.

Joy is not happiness. I do not wish you happiness every day. Without the tears, the painful moments, the times when our hearts are broken, the times when we are angered or indignant, we cannot grow. Without those unhappy times, we cannot experience the times of hope, excitement, fulfillment, peace, and camaraderie that make life wonderful.

So I wish you joy.

Stand firm...

2004-09-14T09:36:00.000-07:00

Stand firm. That is the simplest advice yet the greatest challenge. There are so many areas in which you must stand firm. You must stand firm in your faith and your convictions -- the rest of the world has none, and will try to strip you of yours in the name of 'tolerance'. You must also stand firm in who you are; the core of your spirit, the essence of you, is unique and magical. Do not let the masses shape you into the image of conformity when you were created in the image of God.

Stand firm in your friendships. Friends may forsake you, may hurt you, may not be there for you when you need them most; never let any of your friends say these things of you. Stand firm in your decisions. Every decision has consequences, and often there are more hidden negatives than you first imagine, but you can not waffle just because things get difficult -- stand firm.

Finally, stand firm in your love. The people you love will not always be lovable, and neither will you. Love does not mean you will always agree on everything, or things will always go the way you want. However, it does mean being steadfast, faithful, unwavering, supportive, and humble. If you grow up to be like me, you'll always struggle with squashing the pride and the feelings that you're always supposed to be right. For love's sake you'll have to confront that part of yourself. You can do it. I believe in you...stand firm.

Beginnings...

2004-09-13T13:37:00.000-07:00

The decision was made just a few days ago. We are going to have a baby. It seemed like your Daddy and I would never come to the place that we even wanted children. Don't take me wrong...we loved youth. We both work with youth as a part of our careers, and children's church was one of the things your Daddy has always loved to do. Our lives were so hectic, with so little time even for ourselves, let alone for another life...another human being...we just couldn't see it happening. There were many days when the subject would come up and we would just come to the conclusion that it could never happen. And for the most part, we were satisfied with that answer.

So what made us change our minds? Many different factors. Watching the joy on the faces of our friends as they experienced parenthood for the first time...feeling the push to continue our family line...experiencing the loneliness of being childless when all our peers were new parents...
But mostly it was the understanding that this life would be the culmination of the love your Daddy and I have for each other. You would be a piece of both of us -- a miracle crafted by God as an expression of His love for us and our love for each other.

So here we are. I take a deep breath and try to push down the nervousness that rises up in me at the thought of such tremendous responsibility. One voice in my head says, "Don't worry. You'll be fine. You'll be a great mom." Another voice says, "Are you crazy? You can't even keep your house clean now!" But the choice is made. And now we wait for God's timing for me to get pregnant.

But until then....and afterward....I want to write to you. To tell you who I am and what I'm thinking. Perhaps someday you'll read it and love me all the more for the knowing. And perhaps someday you'll be able to make a big decision knowing if love is the reason behind it, everything will be okay.